Feeling...


I am feeling numb right now. I've gotten news I'll be jobless in a year. My beloved workmates have worked their magic and I'm out. I am not feeling much (or I cannot identify my feelings too well because I'm basically slightly stoned) under the influence of the all-blurring Lexa and a touch of Ativan. Peachy. Or maybe not. But I'm dealing. Chemical paradises are a mirage.

I am feeling sad right now. I have put so much effort and time in this job it's a letdown not seeing my efforts pay. I feel that I am letting down people who had put some of their hopes and dreams on hold to help me achieve mine. I feel my failure as theirs too. But I've learned there is no way to please these people with whom I have been working. I know first hand that people with ten and more years of experience have not cut it for them. How could I? And I never bowed down enough for them. My mistake, I guess. I should have been more subservient, more humble, more abject. Or maybe that would have made this sadness unbearable, knowing that even my debasing myself would have not helped at all?

I am feeling scared right now. Another change, another city, another home, another people. I've done this so many times I should be used to it. But when does it stop? When will the merry-go-round of places and faces stop? But if I've done it before, what's the difference now? I should take it as one more opportunity to learn, to grow, to do all those things self-help books tell you to do. Look ahead, not just curl up in a corner and whimper. Or try to off yourself. Because somehow I know that I'll go through the new everything and will end up knowing more. But it's so fucking difficult. And part of my rebels: 'why again?'

I am feeling hopeful right now. I have been told I may have other doors open for me in another city. I am going to try and apply for a job there and will move next year. An open invitation that may make other parts of my life easier (too long a story for a blog). This comes actually as a silver lining to all this series of backstabbing and ill-hidden malicious banter. I am going to move to another city in the Midwest again (still cannot believe it) and will look for a job that is not too stressing, something I can do for some months while I regain my strength and my courage and my desire to go back to work in academia.

Meanwhile it would be good to feel sleepy...

I am losing way too much sleep. And that's precious to me. These people do not deserve my losing sleep over their selfish, little schemes and selfish little dramas. Karma is a bitch. And this may be mine. Let's hope theirs is the same kind of animal.

Comments

  1. Cómo me gustaría tener una palabra dulce que decir en este momento, cómo me gustaría verlo desde la distancia... pero sinceramente estamos en las mismas... la posibilidad de cambio de ciudad incluida. Sólo puedo acudir al manido ¡mucho ánimo!, y mucha paciencia.

    Un abrazote.

    ReplyDelete

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