Go back in time

Show more

Boys on the side

Embedded in, and at the core of, heteronormativity is the idea that men and women are fundamentally different, with men expected to be masculine and women expected to be feminine.  When you get into the world of gay/queer men, these expectations are frequently transposed onto how we present ourselves to the world and how we define ourselves, and because we don’t (usually) have such clear external markers as male and female, we might not notice our adherence to gender norms.
Ben Cohen

When it comes to sexuality, you know we cannot draw a line anywhere. The array of flavors and tastes when it comes to nookie makes some people dizzy, but there ARE may flavors and tastes out there. One of the things I've learned (and I've been around for a little while) is that we should be ready to not be surprised about what turns people on. Take for example, the Sides.

According to their definition, a Side is a queer/gay man who does not identify as a top or a bottom (or vers) and that may prefer not to have anal sex or have it only under some conditions. Now, most people associate gay sex with anal sex. If you doubt it, ask any Wingnut Xtianist what they think about anal sex and the first thing they scream is: 'UNNATURAL!' And they're not alone. Most gay/queer men associate having sex with, well, anal sex. But that is not always the case.

So when I came across the Sides, I had to read about them. I know that some men don't really like anal. Be it because they find it uncomfortable, they get blocked when they try it or just find it too cumbersome, some men don't like butt sex. And that's perfectly fine. One can have a perfectly good sexual encounter with another man and not have anal. I know some guys who definitely prefer oral to anal. They will come with a blow job but can't really do it when topping. Or really like frottage and are able to enjoy themselves just with the friction of their body against somebody else's body. Or only like to practice mutual masturbation and that's they way they get it on. And that's sex.

So Sides have basically been around for awhile, you'd say. But in this world of apps and websites and electronic communications in which you disclose who you are in order to be matched and packaged for consumption, like in that Black Mirror episode, enumerating your likes and dislikes and perks and kinks, it has become mandatory that you choose a side.  And if you're a Side, you don't have one. You see, in this new wild world, you mostly have to be either/or. Some sites do offer other alternatives to the usual male/female, gay/straight dichotomies dictated by our heterosexist world, but many are not that flexible. And apparently, neither are gay apps.

And then, when it comes to fucking, some gay and queer men have found that the apps that are supposed to facilitate getting some nookie can be as reductive as your garden variety church Bingo. I haven't been on one lately, but I understand that people on hookup apps are usually looking for either somebody to fuck them or for somebody they can fuck. It's kind of that clear cut and simple. And boring. There's some apps that I'm sure cater to a more sophisticated public, a public that goes for any of the common fetishes (leather, rubber, used underwear, uniforms, urine, feet, diapers, etc) but most of those men ARE indeed looking for some nookie and, at some moment, would include anal in their repertoire.

And some men are just not into it. Weird? Well, no. There's really nothing 'weird' when it comes to sex (and I'm not talking about some gay men and their 'preference' for excluding people because of their race, body type or gender presentation) because sexual expression is as individual as, well, people. So I'm all for Sides getting their freak on under their conditions. I'm sure there's more than one guy out there that can identify with them and would be able to form meaningful relationships with someone who just doesn't like anal that much.

I think it's funny how we all tend to try to make people fit the boundaries that form OUR world. And when anything does not fit that world it is deemed 'weird' or 'funny'. There's nothing weird about sex. And I think that as queer/gay/bi men we should be able to discuss sex without being judged or ridiculed. Especially within the gay/queer community. Every sexual expression is real. Every sexual orientation needs to be validated. We cannot paint ourselves in a corner and decide to be judge and juror of other people's sex lives. We should instead concentrate on our own and enjoy it.

So, tennis, anyone?



  1. Another interesting post, Sugar. This is an area that could probably use more study. I think it would be interesting to find out, and I'm not being dismissive here, if, for some, this is a stop on a progressive journey, similar to someone who may initially identify as bi, but eventually come to the realization that they are either gay or straight. It gives them a safe place to reside while they try to figure out this complex life. I fully understand that there are individuals that are happy being referred to as side, and find sexual fulfillment in their sexual experiences. What gets people off is their business. Just like some people like vanilla sex and are happily content without experimenting with what some might consider kink or fetish, others like to push boundaries and see where life takes them.

    So I guess it all comes down to what turns you on and people should not be judged or shamed for what they like. That's why there are so many flavors to choose from.

    XOXO 👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨

  2. Boy....I just may be a sides. While I do like anal sex, it is my least favorite part of sex. Far more things you list above turn me on way before but sec. But when the mood strikes I'm not opposed to topping or bottoming.


Post a Comment

Go ahead, give it to me.



Popular Posts

En otra lengua

  • UN VERANO TENEBROSO - ¿Que pasó? ¿Se me esfumó el buen rollismo de la última entrada? ¿Estoy "acojonao" por los rebrotes víricos, deprimido por mi paupérrimo estado sentimental...
    1 day ago
  • La evolución de las canas - Siempre he tenido amigos que me llevan un buen trecho en edad y otros vicios. Tener amigos que nos aventajan en unas décadas proporciona anticuerpos co...
    1 day ago
  • ¡No me gusta...! - No me gusta esta pandemia, llena de miedos, de ansiedad, de desinformación, de *fakes, *de falsos profetas de las soluciones y de los oscuros augurios. ...
    4 days ago
  • Aquí no venden la leche en bolsa - No asistí a una universidad pública. Mirando atrás, no sé qué me previno tanto de hacerlo. Más allá del paradigma pequeñoburgués que una educación pueb...
    4 weeks ago
  • - En los días que se han convertido en años, en tiempo que transcurre y sin entenderme a mi mismo en mis angustias, en mis silencios, en mis ruidos que no c...
    6 months ago

Restricted to Adults

Restricted to Adults
Under 18? Beat it. Now.