And then some..
So it's Summer at last. And I'm trying to chill and just wait for things to get some kind of semblance of normality. I have no idea what I will be doing in two months. Or two weeks. Funny, when you have no idea what turn your life is going to take, you feel kind of more at peace than when you were pressed by schedules, and due dates and all that shit that comes with trying go keep up with the Joneses in the workplace.
I have no idea if or when I'm going to get a job. And I should be worried. After all, there's a recession and people are being laid off left and right. But I'm not. I should be worrying about going back to academia and not let a big hole be carved in my resume. But I'm not. I should be worrying that I'm going to be living away from what I've called home during the last six years. But I'm not.
I think it may have to do with my current state of mind or with the Lexa (insert laugh here) but whatever it is, I am not reacting as radically as I did last Summer. No desperation, no tears, no hitting my head against the walls. Just this weird calm (not resignation, that happens when you actually know what's going to happen) that seems to wash over me once or twice a day. The fact that my life rhythm has slowed down to a crawl should help, too. I am free of the stress of the classroom and I'm just responding to the things that need to be done right away. And there's little of that at this point.
I am enjoying the long Summer days, the heat, the breeze that comes once in awhile to freshen up the two o'clock sultriness. I am looking at the flowers, looking at gardens and listening to the early birds and getting really dark with long walks to the library. And letting my hair grow a little. And talking to friends old and new. And getting some pleasure all by myself. Because all these things are liberating. For the first time in a long while, I'm dedicating myself to myself. And it kind of feels good.
It's kind of liberating, in some ways to be free of so many ties and worries for once.
Whatever will be, will be. That's the way the saying goes, right? So on with my Summertime...