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Previous survey research has found that people who report having more sex also report being happier, but most of this evidence is based on cross-sectional data, so it’s not clear if sex really makes people happy or if being happy encourages sex. With their methodology, Kashdan and his team were able to unravel cause and effect.


Well, I have to tell you that having sex makes me happy.  I may not have needed to read some research to confirm that. Maybe it's the qualifier 'more' what called my attention. So sex makes me happy. And I’m not talking about porn-scene-like sex. With all the Cirque Du Soleil acrobatics and the immaculate lighting of a porn set. I mean just sex. I mean sweaty, not-always-kosher, sometimes messy sex. It's out-of-breath, heart-thumping, I-just-want-to-moan sex. It could be on the carpet. Or on the bed. It does not require any extra allowances. It's not even daily sex. Still, it makes me happy. It makes me happy because of many factors. Especially because he seems to enjoy it as much as I do. He treats me like a hungry man treats his favorite meal. And it feels good. 

But at the same timeI think we’ve put a heavy marker on sex and therefore its status as a happiness cornerstone has been somehow distorted. Not in the xtianist wife way, mind you, where’s only sex-within-marriage (and the impossibility of denying the husband some pussy implies fails too big to write about in a blog post) works, but in a FOMO, more millennial kind of way. Apparently for some, (like the meninists, who complain that nobody is fucking them)  we need to have sex on the daily and it should always be the ultimate performance. Our bodies need to be top notch and so has to be the sex we have.

You see, more and more people add credit to their value for the amount of sex they have and that's just kind of misguided, from my point of view. When I say sex makes me happy, I'm not talking about cinematic, fifty shades of stupid sex cohabitation. Sex does not have to be absolutely earth shattering every time we have sex to make us happy. Sex is about being with that man you really want. Sex is the moment. I don't know when we started as a society to be constantly looking for the ultimate experience. It should be all those reality shows that imply some kind of especial algorithm that warranties the best you've ever had is the only acceptable option.

It could be that YOLO/FOMO mentality that drags some people to believe that the next best thing is right around the corner, making them blind to what they can actually have. I have friends that do not really seem to enjoy the dates they have because there's always the next Tinder/Grindr thing waiting for them. They don't seem to appreciate the small things in life or the non-hookup dates because they seem to be running out of time to... do it all over again?

I can't explain it. Why does it seem that people are enjoying sex less? Or having less sex? It's not devaluation, like the wingnuts try to put it (did you know that they try to get women not to be sexually active before marriage by telling them they're 'using up' their mojo? yep). It's not for lack of venues to find a partner (Tinder, Grindr, et.al.) and it's not for lack of wanting, but many I talk to seems to be having... less sex?

 I don't know how to explain it. Maybe you have a better answer than me for that. But if sex makes us happy (it makes me happy) why don't we try to have some? And then have some sex that means something for us. It does not have to be within the boundaries of a relationship. It can be impromptu. It can be long or short. I believe we can do that. We can try and find someone who really gets us going. Somebody who lets us get our freak on. Somebody we enjoy and that enjoys us. Is it really THAT difficult?



  1. They actually had to do a study to find out that people having sex are happier? We have evolved in the type of sex we have. The when and where are secondary. The how has, I don’t know, grown over the years? I think I’ve become a little more adventurous over time, which I think might be the opposite of many relationships. We’ve introduced a kink here and there. Nothing too far off the beaten path, but enough, I hope, to keep you interested. And like you said, no porn star acrobatics, especially at my age. But I know I’m definitely happier having you in my life, limitations and all. And that flows into other aspects of our lives. We don’t have to have sex to be happy with each other. I’m just happy to be with you. Intimacy is the cherry on top.

    XOXO 👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨

  2. I think a lot of people see a certain style/level of sex as just another status symbol to run after and brag about. Like the bigger your house, the flashier your car, the more expensive your lifestyle, the better and more worthy you are as a person. Complete bullshit, of course.

  3. It may shock you, but I too enjoy sex!!!!!! With me and whatever partner....it doesn't always have to be the whole act. Warbuck and I sometimes just enjoy very hot j/o action. And you can always tell who doesn't have sex. People always seem more ....unhappy or not settled? Plus good rigorous sex is good for the skin!!!!

  4. personally, I take matters into my own hands, as it were. IT'S FUN!

  5. Sex makes you happy. It's fun. However, there are a lot of things which make people happy, and which are fun that are not sexual. Sex is the cherry on the Sundae, but it isn't the Sundae. The Sundae is great because of everything else, the flavors of the ice cream, the flavors of the topping, the nuts, and the whipped cream. People spend millions and millions of dollars trying to keep their relationships fresh because they've been fooled into thinking it's the cherry that's important. It isn't. It's the whole Sundae.

  6. Dave, that’s so well said! Kudos.

  7. @bae:same XOXO
    @AnneMarie: girl, I feel you. Keep it real.
    @Debra: so true! That's the FOMO/YOLO bullshit some people live for.
    @Maddie: and that's what sex's about. It's not an all-or-nothing-thing. And it works wonders on my skin, too!
    @Dave: these are words to live for. I'm gonna have to quote you soon, cause this is a topic I come back to over and over.


  8. Interesting post. I read somewhere that there's a physiological/chemical reason why having sex makes us happy.

    But I will say that perhaps those of us in relationships are having less sex than we want because sometimes living with someone else can be stressful, aggrivating, frustrating, and mood-killing. Some of us need to feel a connection to a partner to enjoy sex.

  9. @Mark: that is SO true! The connection makes the sex better but relationships are not easy, especially if we live with him!



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