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Funny, how I ended up thinking I do need some degree of routine to function. Custom. It's stronger than love or than laissez-faire. I have not been able to coordinate myself during these days in terms of work or 'things to do'. But I guess that was the whole purpose of these days on my own.

I think I miss Rob. Even when he gets on my nerves. Or when I get on his. It's cool that I read in bed until eleven, wake up at nine and get up in the middle of the night without disturbing him. Or that I can eat fruits and salads all day and drink orange juice by the pint without having to consult with someone else what's for lunch. Or that I can just go out and raid the stores for good deals and then come back home without having to talk.

Or watch television for three hours straight without being interrupted or the having the channel changed. Or have sex -even if it's with myself- whenever and wherever I want it. Even if it's twice a day. Even if I crave that human touch that only another man can give me. It's still fun, and I learned it from him. Again, getting my education from my lovers. I've been to two dinner parties, one movie and twice to the supermarket alone and it's been cool. But still, I wake up in the middle of the night and look for him.

And I have not been able to concentrate on the dissertation, like I promised. My procastinating habits are very difficult to break. I have opened the files, downloaded them to my computer and read the feedback Sharon sent me. But that's about everything I've done. I walk around disoriented, and when I concentrate on something, I write here. This is not going to help re-write that chapter. But still, I'm paralized and haven't worked on that much.

He'll be back in two days and it all will go back to 'normal'. Whatever 'normal' is for me these days. But I guess I do need some guidelines: working hours, deadlines, reminders. To feel centered. And I think that's my crucible: I resent rules but I need some to be able to work and feel I've achieved something. Maybe I DO have ADD or something. I crave freedom but when I have too much, I get lost. I resent control but when I have a little, I am able to quantify what I do and qualify it.

Oh, well. Anyway, it was fun last night. I got to play dress-up and the getup got accolades. Funny, how people do not expect to find some things put together. And the men at the party were interesting. And I got to know John and Vince better. Funny, how most relationships -long-standing, apparently solid- I know have two seemingly different people involved and still seem to work. I guess they think the same of Rob and I. And I found that our hosts live in two different houses after living together for years and still have a relationship. Talk about arrangements. Maybe not all is lost. Maybe there's still hope.

Let's see what happens when he comes back and the stress of this job interview comes and goes. And if I get or not the job. And if I can finish the proposal this term. Gosh, so many things that could and would change my life. I guess that's what the jitters are about. But as I said, it's time to grab the bull by the horns. And if everything fails, just bullfight like a pro.

And that's good enough for now.




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