Ungrudge-ing the year


Autour de moi
Je ne vois pas
Qui sont des anges
Surement pas moi
Encore une fois
Je suis cassé
Encore une fois
Je n'y crois pas

I was watching Madonna -who actually has more to her than most people give her credit for- on TV talking in a documentary and she was saying something about needing to move on in order to move ahead, to give in order to receive and that things needed a balance of good and bad to actually make sense. So decided I have only one little grudge that I have to pulverize in order to enter the New Year in a really good frame of mind.

It has to do with this one lad and his penchant for perfecting the definition of self-centered, selfish and unconsiderate. Or at least that's how I perceived him to be. Or at least how his actions made him appear: mentioning his 'friends' and the people he 'wanted to be his friends' and tacitly leaving me out? Or when he did not even say 'thanks' something was given to him? Or not even saying 'good bye' and taking my friendship for granted? Or just being plainly callow. It was not even polite, to be sincere. Or is it just age? No, I don't think that has to do with age. The 'oh, I'm angsty-as-hell excuse just doesn't fly at all. It has to do with character. And he's lacking that, to say the least.

I feel he used me as a sounding board and a scratching post and nothing else. I think he said sometime that he was a 'user' and I thought it was an exagerantion. Should have listened more carefully, I guess. I think I didn't even count as entertainment. But all that and the blow my self-esteem took for a moment- is what I have to get over in order to move on. Because at the end I think I did get something from him and his -brief- so-called friendship. Or my interaction with him, if you like.

I think I need to actually give him a call, wish him a good New Year and explain my position -not considering him a friend or acquaintance, for that matter, and why I am pissed at him- and then just forget about the whole thing. I think it's the best, so I get closure and have no negative feelings left from someone who helped me find my body, my voice and a new perspective to the way I'm living my life. I think I am the one who got more from that 'liaison' already, because even if I did not touch his life enough to promote any changes, he did give me a lot: the ability to express myself, the chance to think and reflect about my virtues and shortcomings and also the idea to write down my thoughts in cyberspace. And I have discovered the joys of keeping some kind of diary, a remmant of my thoughts that I can revisit any time I want. An that, as the commercial goes, is priceless.

I think all of those are gifts better than anything he could have gotten in a store, like the gifts he gave to his 'friends'. I feel much more fortunate and I think I should let him know that. No bitterness, just facts. And then move on. If he wants to be friends, then that's ok with me. If he doesn't want to be my friend, then more power to him. It's our prerrogative to choose who our friends are. The same way we cannot choose our family. So things even out at the end.

My friends are very important to me. They are my extended family, they are my support network, they are my confidants and my partners in crime. They give in the same measure I give to them. My friends are my personal guardian angels. And I'm lucky to have the friends I have. Near and far. Here in this city and away. Here in this continent and in others. So why keep a grudge that would only come back some day and make me feel bad? There's no way I'll let it fester. So I'm going to give him a call. And if he doesn't answer I'll leave the message. And if he doesn't call back, well it's his choice. May he have a Happy New Year and everything his little heart desires anyway.

And that's good enough for now.

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