God is a DJ, then?


Well, I didn't get it. The job, that is. It went to someone with a degree. Oh, well. I'm feeling strangely calm. I don't know if it is because I'm going to have a nervous breakdown in a week or when the semester ends or because I'm actually chilling with all this thing.

I have to admit that I feel better now than when I still thought I'd have a chance with it. Funny, isn't it? Of course there's still the issue of me getting a 'real' job. But we have talked about it and the expectations are modest. Now working at UAkron is not priority number one and there's other alternatives on the table. Good thing because all this planning ahead ten years gets to me.
I think it's my cosmology, that is so very different to the one people here seems to be ruled by. I think I'm more laid-back, more driven to what I'm doing right now and not obsessing about what's coming in the next five years. Up until now it has worked, hasn't it? I guess deep down I do believe in the whole destiny thing, that we can improve it or fuck it up but not change it, that there's a reaction for every action and that things happen because they have to happen. The butterfly effect. Whatever floats your boat.

You asked me if I wanted to go back to Pittsburgh, but I'm going to stay. I know. I thought about going back, for awhile. But I have decided I'll try my luck here. Because it's always been a matter of luck: after being left quasi-despondent here more than three years ago now I'm almost finished with my degree. After feeling like I didn't want to get into a relationship with an American guy ever again, here I am doing relationship control damage and trying to patch things up. Is that the grown-up manner, you'd ask. I have no idea. It's just what's working right now. And I imagine that's the way things work for me. I dance to whatever song is playing. I don't try to analyze or plan my moves. I just dance. And the music keeps changing.

And you seem hurried, more than ever. No time for lunch? We should make time for that again. Really miss seeing you and talking to you. It was fun, wasn't it?


Cheers, baby boy.

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