Posting.... posting.... posting.....


I can't believe I've been so busy and out of my mind that I have not written in like seems forever. Let's see. What have I been doing? Oh, right. Working. Writing. Working. Writing. And not FUN writing, mind you. Just plain, dry academic writing. Ugh.
It's been all the damn dissertation. It's maddening. And the whole job interview thing has been madness. I have never been so stressed out. Even friends and people who have seem to be friendly until now have taken an ominous attitude about them. Maybe it's because I want the job so much -even if it's to get over with the whole waiting thing- or because my pride is on the line.
I think it's as much a matter of pride (I have the job now, why should I not keep it? Was I good enough in a pinch but not permanently? I wonder....) But also because it'll end once and for all that implicit ".... and you're getting a 'real' job when?..." I'm not sure. But it sure has taken time from me and my thoughts. It's not good to be so centered on something that depends just so much of what you do. It's their decision after all. And I should not fret or anything. Whatever will be, will be.
Oh, and we've been going to couples counseling. It is actually productive and I even have a little photocopy with 'feeling' words and we're to develop a routine that goes something like: "When you.... I felt.... because..." and it's worked so far. I think we should not focus on the negative (it would make us both even MORE defensive) but also on the positive. I think I'll do that. After all, I'm still in this relationship, right? I've told him I'm not sure I trust him completely and he has said that I don't let him get to know me. Maybe because he uses everything I say against me? Or because I become defensive and blame him? Maybe because of all this and more. But the whole 'communication' thing seems to be going smoother. I don't want to think what will happen when we get to the sex part.
Because all this 'togetherness' and 'tell me what's on your mind' are suppossed to be his prerrogatives, his way to get 'intimacy'. I'm trying to work on this so when we get to what matters to me we can talk. It won't be pretty, I'm sure. Hopefully, there'll be a solution. Maybe a sex substitute a la Kinsey? One can only hope for Liam Neeson and Saaskard...

Cheers, now. Going back to bed...

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