You said you're afraid of telling people you love them. I think we all have that fear. Some confess to it and some hide it. I guess I do find easier to tell people I care about them but it takes some time for me to disclose actual information about myself.
I think you know more about me than many people. After all, you've seen me just the way I am (and I don't mean only that night -and morning- but overall) and maybe your assessment of me would be a more accurate one than the usual superficial opinion some people have. But the same way you don't feel comfortable telling people you love them I don't feel comfortable oftentimes letting people in what you'd call 'my world'.
That little questionnaire you filled out portrayed you the way I have seen you: witty, fun, earnestly sincere, energetic, and yes, young. Because your youth is part of what makes you attractive. That'll be repaced with some kind of cosmopolitan varnish that we develop over the years and that in itself is kind of attractive, too. Or at least I think it is. I think what confuses people sometimes is that I still kind of have some traits that are considered 'young' with the more 'hardened' traits that come with... well, age.
I think that when we write -like in this blog- we materialize in a different way. We become more the 'us' we are than the 'us' that we usually project to the rest of the world. I think that's why I like this. Because apart from venting, I get to see myself the way I let very few people see me. But still I let only you see me this way. I think many people have read parts of this and the other blogs but I don't think they know who I am. I am -in these writings- just part of the inmense junkyard that is the internet and over which they stumble in bored afternoons online. But still, I imagine I become me in those little instants for those anonymous browsers.
And I think I like it that way. I guess with age you lose a little of that need to be recognized, to be accepted, to belong. It's not cynicism, it's just that you rely more on yourself that on the opinion of those around you (or the ones that esporadically check you out on Hot or Not, My Space and the myriad sites your frequent). I think the closer I've gotten to that is on Facebook. But still, I impose the boundaries and only let my 'friends' there to see my pictures and read some stuff. I am not nor desire to be open to everyone.
But I wanted to tell you that I really like the fact that you are still writing -you're good at it- and that I like the fact that we have kept this 'friendship' going on. Sometimes it even feels that the twentysomething years between us are just nothing.
Or at least that's the way I feel it.