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Who am I?

I went back to this guys's website. The one that fucks anything pretty. And he's having a mini-crisis. In his latest blog entry, he's decided he's swearing off fucking -for awhile- and that he's thinking more about who he is and what he wants to do. He went as far as to take an online test to describe his personality. And he's having a mini-change of heart, deleting the people he's not talked to in weeks from his profiles and even thinking about starting anew. And he's suppossedly a Type 3 personality. I'm between six and seven (not surprising, giving my ability -and curse- to change between moods in a heartbeat, huh?)

free enneagram test

free enneagram test

So sex is not everything for him now? I am somehow puzzled. You see, it's always greeener on the other side. We are always thinking that other people have more sex than we do. Sometimes that others lead more exciting and interesting lives than ourselves. Only to discover that other people think the same about ourselves! Impressions are always so very surprising. And the image we have of ourselves is sometimes radically different to what people think of ourselves.

I'll give you an example, even though I'm not even sure if you ever read this: I thought you were very sexy when I met you, and somehow adventurous and very 'free'. Only to discover that even though you do have a strong sex drive, you're still very cautious and even hesitant. Surprisingly conservative and fiercely restrained. You were there but yet not there. It may have been that we are more similar than not. It takes me forever to warm up to a guy and feel really comfortable with him during sex and even though I tend to be really uninhibited with some men and in some situations, I don't seem to be able to relax enough to enjoy myself when having what you could call 'casual sex'. Funny, isn't it? Sugar on a stick is not what he seems to be.

Some people seem to think I'm what they call 'sexy'. It is possible that I fulfill thier idea of 'sexy'. Blame it on some signals I give off or on their idea of what being sexy is (being a foreigner does contribute to that, I guess) but it all comes down to the fact that they see in my what they think lacks in themselves. Same thing happened with you. I basically attributed to you what I thought was missing in me: that easiness, that lack of scruples, that recklessness, that horniness that seems so elusive to me sometimes. I don't know what you were looking for, though. You were just probably bored and decided to try something new.

But oh, well. I also took this personality test. And it seems that I'm between personality type six and seven (still, it's the 'free' test so it's not that conclusive. But it does give you an idea of who you 'are'.

A sample:
Type Six
The Loyalist: The Functions of Trust and Perseverance— The potential for emotional bonding with others, group identification, sociability, industriousness, loyalty to others, and commitment to larger efforts. Negatively, the potential for dependency, ambivalence, rebelliousness, anxiety, and inferiority feelings.

Type Seven
The Enthusiast: The Functions of Spontaneity and Diverse Activity— The potential for enthusiasm, productivity, achievement, skill acquisition, and the desire for change and variety. Negatively, the potential for hyperactivity, superficiality, impulsiveness, excessiveness, and escapism.

And some more:

Type Six
The Loyalist
The committed, security-oriented type. Sixes are reliable, hard-working, responsible, and trustworthy. Excellent "troubleshooters," they foresee problems and foster cooperation, but can also become defensive, evasive, and anxious—running on stress while complaining about it. They can be cautious and indecisive, but also reactive, defiant and rebellious. They typically have problems with self-doubt and suspicion. At their Best: internally stable and self-reliant, courageously championing themselves and others.

Type Seven
The Enthusiast
The busy, productive type. Sevens are extroverted, optimistic, versatile, and spontaneous. Playful, high-spirited, and practical, they can also misapply their many talents, becoming over-extended, scattered, and undisciplined. They constantly seek new and exciting experiences, but can become distracted and exhausted by staying on the go. They typically have problems with impatience and impulsiveness. At their Best: they focus their talents on worthwhile goals, becoming appreciative, joyous, and satisfied.

So I'm not really far from my self-image. But I'm also close to what other people see in me. Funny, ain't it? But still, it does not give me a clear answer to some of my questions. I guess I'll have to keep digging and finding things about myself -and others- that help me understand myself and my motivations better.

I'll follow the lead of this guy and will go deeper into who I am. I'm sure it can only be good. After all if there's no bigger love than loving yourself there should be no better thrill than knowing thyself.




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