It's a little bit funny....
... this feeling inside...
I am feeling strangely empty lately. Not as in 'I'm-unhappy-woe-is-me' empty, but just empty. I guess I'm in an advanced state of conformism. Either that or I'm overwhelmed and totally numb to anything that is going on in my life.
It's not helping that he's going on a trip next week and I'll have some time to be with myself and 'regroup' (I know, it's psychobabble, but hey, it's fun to name things). I am completely ambivalent about his going away. On the one side, I like the free time, the non-pressure of being alone, the freedom to do as I please and not worry about 'others' and their plans and designs for my life.
On the other hand, I feel kind of lost. You see, you become more and more part of an 'us' than of 'you' when you are in a relationship. You find yourself out of your element when after being used to do everything in 'two' now you are 'one' for a second.
This is not new, mind you. It's happened before, when he's gone on a trip and I stay home (or when I go on a trip) and I feel weirdly liberated and guilty, because I am enjoying my being 'on my own' instead of being 'together'. There's a very thin line that you sometimes do not dare cross when you are in a relationship. As when cheating (whether physically, emotionally or figuratively), the bubbly feeling of happiness caused by being on your own makes you feel strangely guilty and somehow ashamed of how you feel. You feel you are doing something you should not do but you can't help feeling good about it. Funny, ain't it?
In between bouts of really enjoyable moments (spending a day in bed, watching ALL of Queer as Folk in two days, eating only fruit and salads a whole day, reading in bed at two in the morning, watching porn at noon at home)there are moments that you turn around ready to ask him if he wants to have cereal for breakfast, if he wants to go to Chipotle to grab something to eat, to kiss him goodnight.
"La costumbre es mas fuerte que el amor", said some singer once. And this is never truer than when he goes away and you find yourself regressing to your pre-relationship days for a second and you enjoy your being joyously alone but feel strangely lonely at least during five seconds every day. Maybe after all, the romantization of 'being with someone' is nothing more than an anesthetic, some kind of emotional Valium that lulls you into conformity. Maybe hence the feeling inside. At least I'm feeling SOMETHING. Don't you think?
Or is it just a consolation prize?
The image comes from http://yaoi.y-gallery.net/user/archaenon/ Via http://finalelysium.com/yaoi/2007/04/