And I love the thought...
I was reading this queer horror novel (my fav gay lit) and I was listening to Simply Red. You know, when you are hearing something but not really listening? And then Fairground came up. And I got goosebumps right then and there. That's a song that I used to dance with him so many years ago, so many nights ago. It was one of 'our' songs.
Him is well, 'he'. That guy who I think was my soul mate and who is now somebody else's. He whom I left and lost and never recovered. 'He' who is a friend now. But there was a time when he was my friend, and my lover, and my everything. And we used to dance to this song when we went out, feeling every single lyric, every single beat, every single note. I can still remember his body so close to mine, his arm around my body and his breath on my face. His eyes looking at me, laughing so close, reading my thoughts.
Because he could read my thoughts those days. He could feel my every feeling and enjoy my pleasure. I so miss those strong hands, those lips who could kiss me for hours and that body that bent mine over so many times. I miss his stamina, his making love to me for a long time and only coming when I came. I can still feel him coming inside of me at the same exact moment I came on my stomach. A feat that has not been repeated. With anybody. In a long time. I can still remember his eyes never leaving mine as pleasure hit us, his lips looking for mine, hungry. His hands all over me, his love making me cry a little every time he made love to me. Because the pleasure was so great and shared. And then making me cry a lot when he was not mine anymore. And boy was I bitter.
But still, those nights when we danced in the half-darkness of that club, when very few people knew we were 'together', when he would hold my hand for hours under a table and look at me with those dark, dark eyes, smiling only for me, saying nothing and many things at the same time are the nights I remember most. I remember those nights more than the nights I spent with him, sleeping next to him, feeling his breath on my neck.
And I still get goosebumps when I listen to this song. And to the lyrics that would prove to be prophetic, because we were not meant to be:
And I love the thought of coming home to you
Even if I know we can't make it
I love the thought of giving hope to you
Just a little ray of light shining through