In case you don't know me...

Ok. Of the man-made religions (well, let's not go there, ok? just humor me) the ones I find most eerily entertaining and mind-blowingly idiotic are Scientology and Mormonism. One has to do with outer space and greedy extra-terrestrials and the other one with a horny American who found a way to fuck everything he wanted. Fabulous. When it comes to imaginary beings that allow people to lose agency and lay their puny existence on the hands of others those two really take the main prize.

They also make you go through some initiation rituals and phases (to weed out the intelligent, I guess) and basically collect evidence to hold your ass hostage in case you wake up one day and realize what a moron you were and the kind of manipulative greedy bastards they were. So here, some questions asked to 'pass' one of those tests they give you when you're a 'novice'. Would I pass? Probably not. I'd be too busy laughing my fucking ass off. Enjoy.

Have you ever embezzled money?
Only if I had any. Wait. Call Benny Hinn

Have you ever been a drug addict?
Hell no. I cannot even do alcohol. Forget about pot. Is that bad?

Have you ever bombed anything?
Hmmm... no. Bombed as in unabomber or bombed as in fucked up?

Have you ever murdered anyone?
No. They were dead already. Very Romero of them to come back.

Have you ever raped anyone?
Honey, no. I'm a power bottom. Don't know what that is? Google it.

Have you ever had anything to do with a baby farm?
Baby farm? Do you farm babies now? I'm out of the loop.

Have you ever practiced cannibalism?
Some men are good enough to eat but... no.

Have you ever practiced sex with children?
He was over eighteen. I swear.

Have you ever practiced masturbation?
You just made me laugh.

Have you ever killed or crippled animals for pleasure?
This question is very Silence of the Lambs. For real.

Have you ever had unkind thoughts about L. Ron Hubbard?
I don't even think about the fucker. Who?

What has somebody told you not to tell?
I never kiss and tell. But if you can spare a moment, you'll see...

Have you ever decided you didn't like some member of your family?
Ha. I have a list.

Have you ever taken something belonging to somebody else and never given it back?
A sweater, a CD, books galore. But they were mine. It was an act of repossession.

Have you ever pretended to be sick (ill)?
In third grade. Does that count?

Have you ever made yourself sick (ill) or hurt yourself to make somebody sorry?
This is some fucked up passive-aggressive shit. Sounds fascinating, though.

Total bullshit, those questions. Do people actually answer them with a straight face? Meh. Americans are fucked up, I'm telling you. As for outer space beings, I'd only bow (and kneel and bend over) for Camilicat, Patrick Fillion's awesome creature. Now we're talking.