Reading two friends, I think I realized why is it that these 'friendships' in the realm of the ones and zeros get to be so strong. In El Ansia you can hear echoes of my wondering why that never ending hunger for what we KNOW it's out there. We are supposed to be sated, settled, soothed. And we are not. Is this a neverending story? Will we -I- be ever sated, settled, soothed? I don't have the answer to that question. Guess neither does he.
As for Dark Angel , his questions are almost the same I have posted here some months ago. He ponders why don't we do something to make those dreams come true. Fear? Conformity? Inertia?
This is not the first time I can connect to someone so strongly by reading their thoughts or the first time that I find myself nodding as I read what someone, possibly during a sleepless night like mine usually are, has written out of frustration or desire or anger or love. I remember I used to chat with BlueDolphin -not his real name, but bear with me- a guy from Canarias I met in a chat room awhile ago.
Blue -as I called him- was one of the most incredibly nice men I've ever 'met' -because even though we got to see each other, we never actually met- online or off. He had this mellow demeanor, this incredibly touching presence, this sexy self-deprecation that immediately draw me to him. We used to chat for hours in a gay site that I believe doesn't exist anymore (or became a pay site or something like that), oblivious of the other hundreds of men who beeped in our screens and tried to get in our conversations.
Blue and I eventually left the site and began chatting privately using MSN or Yahoo or some kind of IM client. Little by little the conversations went from friendly to intimate and in no time I was doing what I never thought I'd ever do: I let him see me. Not only naked (which was a first, too) but SEE me. I discovered that as I shed my clothes with Blue, I also shed my inhibitions and my fears: it was me who was talking to him those days, not the person I usually present to people.
Because I dared to take him as he was. Or as the man I thought he was, I guess, the one that could want me and love me for me. Oh, he did turn me on. He was sexual and sensual and sensitive and patient. It was also very liberating watching someone get turned on by me. Someone who could not touch me, just watch me, and nevertheless, come just by listening to my voice and watching my body respond to his. It was an incredible experience letting someone get in your head and come with and for him.
It was intense. And very intimate. All those emails, all those words urgently whispered into a microphone that went straight to your ears, all those hours and hours of conversing over life and little nothings. I think the whole thing got to a very pretty serious stage one day. He was going to come and visit me. And I wanted him to do it. After a while, he said he could not have enough just with the phone calls, and the cam, and the emails, and the blog posts. But he could not travel as soon as he wanted. Family stuff came up. Then work stuff. Then legal stuff. So we kept our online (affair? friendship?) relationship going for almost a year. Or maybe more. And I guess he got frustrated because it just could not happen as soon as we wanted it to. And he grew distracted. And I chalked it up to stress.
But one day he did not respond to my emails. And then I could not make it to the cam on time (we had a big time difference: his nights were my mornings). And then we did not message each other for days. I did not go back to the website where I met him. I sent several emails that got lost in cyberspace. Blue never got back to me.
So as it started, it ended: a progression in passion and a progression in regression. But yet he remains in my mind as one of those quasi-perfect lovers, those who cannot be trumped because they almost did not exist. He is one of those opportunities that I did not let pass by, and he was worth my time.
So this is how my 'friends' reminded me of Blue and that part of my life. Funny, isn't it? How a few well-chosen words by a fellow blogger can bring an avalanche of memories. Or maybe not funny at all, given that that's why we empathize so much and why we keep reading each other.
Don't you think? Life is so much better in the zeros and ones. Proof? The handsome men in this page are all 'real' and you could find them in DudesNude a site I cannot stop trolling. Yum.