Went to this talk on gay issues and came out enlightened. Isn't it true that when we listen to someone talking about things close to you (but that you don't think about much) you feel a sense of detachment? Like it's not about you, but it's interesting? Denial, I guess, works in wonderful ways.
They were talking about gender roles and how we assume some when we get into a relationship. I guess I have never assumed any specific ones. Apart from not being too versatile (I know, I wish I was more) I have never been typically drawn to a specific role in a relationship (being the caretaker, cooking, cleaning or something of the like). I've been more of a power bottom in and out of bed than anything. But that I guess could change. I imagine that as my friend (let's call him T) says, it's all a matter of the right man coming along. And then voila! Everything works.
But that has not been the case in my last two relationships. I guess it's been my fault. I have, after all, chosen the men I have lived with, no? So I have basically condemned myself to doing them for long periods of time.
So what if they have not been perfect, you'd say? Well, that there has not been room for that versatility. There has not been that fire, that need to flip-flop that I envy in some of my acquaintances. That easiness in not adopting any role but adapting to the man and the situation.
I guess it also has to do with our sexual history, what we really enjoy and the way we see ourselves. But I know I have fucked some men in my life. Out of the blue. And that is the question I guess dances in the back of my mind: why not now? We all build the walls of our own prisons. And mine are so solid I'm sometimes afraid they'll never come down. But there's always the door...