This has been a very weird summer. It's been raining a lot and I don't even know how I feel about it. I used to like rain. But now it somehow scares me. It makes me afraid we're gonna have a flood and my all my stuff is going to be ruined. And that's because my 'office' -my little world- is in the basement and I keep all my stuff down there. Why, you'd wonder, would I keep all my things (books, computer, CDs, clothes, stuff) in the basement? I don't know. I guess it's because it was a part of the house that was 'unconquered' when I moved here and I made it livable and 'mine'.
I chose all the furniture, bought in the many trips I've made to IKEA, and I have plants down there, those are plants that were going to be thrown away or dying, and the lights I braided on the pipes that stick out in the ceiling are mostly those white-light-bulb string lights you see during Christmas adorning trees outside. And I like them.
I love my little corner. I used to spend a lot of time down there. I remember a Christmas vacation I basically spent down in the basement, chatting up half of the world half a world away in Canarias. I have spent less and less time there as time has gone by and my desk is a little busy with paid bills piling up and books and things on top of it. I think my desk down there is some kind of metaphor for my life: it is somehow suspended, waiting for a signal, arrested. And the overall feeling, as you can imagine, is not good. I feel like there's something missing, like the other shoe has not fallen yet, like I'm incomplete.
And I guess that's why part of me feels a little scared that we're going to have a flood. And the little remnants of security are going to be washed away by a flood. A flood like the ones they're having more towards the Midwest, or the Mississippi. I know. I worry too much. I think it may be remnants of the depression. Would it be possible that once you're depressed you're always depressed? Like when you're an alcoholic? And a sip of worry sends you in a spiral of uncontrolled anxiety that will lead you to a dark depression again if you're not strong enough? I don't know. But I guess I'll have food for thought these coming weeks and months, when my situations -and my circumstances- will have to come to a head and I'll have to face demons and dragons if something goes bad.
Hopefully, it won't be raining then. Hopefully. And I will lose the fear of being flooded.