Some questions have been pestering me lately: how much do we remember about our past relationships? How often does lust betray us? I'm not sure I can remember accurately a lot of stuff that happened with my latest ex and I don't really know that how I feel about our relationship as a whole. How did I realize this? Well, I was in the middle of some very intimate moment and I suddenly remembered how T used to fuck me. And I came. Uncontrollably, copiously. I came amazingly and satisfactorily, like I haven't done it for awhile.
How could I do that, I wondered -after the fact, of course- given that T was a sleazeball pig who left me for a 24 year old (who then proceeded to leave him)? T, whom at the end of our relationship was probably fucking half of Orange County and probably parts of San Diego and Los Angeles too? T, who, after I cut him off telling him I did not want to go back with him, emailed all my friends telling them terrible things about me? T, who kept emailing my friends sending nude pictures of him and his 'friends' until they told him to stop doing that or THEY will file a harassment suit against him? T, with whom I have not had contact in years and about whom I seldom think, made me come like there was no tomorrow, just by remembering how he used to do me.
How did that happen? Sex was good with him for awhile and terrible at the end of the relationship, and even though he did have an amazing cock, he was not particularly good at working with it (as it is many times the case with big-dicked men). So how did thinking about the way he fucked me made me come that way? Maybe I was just horny after so many days without even the slightly sexual thought (those meds have fucked my Mojo) and it was just a trigger, like thinking about Michael Phelps hitting it from behind or something like that. Or it may have been that something in my thoughts or in that moment felt similar to what I felt with him and I has a flashback to happier times? Do I just remember the 'good' and have forgotten the 'bad'? But how can that be?
Our minds are wonderful but they apparently betray us when we least expect it. I felt kind of disgusted with myself for allowing a memory of this man to give me such a blinding moment of pleasure. How could I let my mind betray my body in such a way? All I had to do was remember how shitty his behavior was after the breakup to even lose my erection. But no, I just let the memory of him doing me send me over the edge and make me have a very good orgasm.
I wonder what else is lurking there under the surface, I wonder how well do I know myself and if my feelings for him are really what I've told myself they are. Are my feelings towards other people I profess to not like really different? Or are they just defense mechanisms I have created in order to avoid pain? I wonder...