I am feeling numb right now. I've gotten news I'll be jobless in a year. My beloved workmates have worked their magic and I'm out. I am not feeling much (or I cannot identify my feelings too well because I'm basically slightly stoned) under the influence of the all-blurring Lexa and a touch of Ativan. Peachy. Or maybe not. But I'm dealing. Chemical paradises are a mirage.
I am feeling sad right now. I have put so much effort and time in this job it's a letdown not seeing my efforts pay. I feel that I am letting down people who had put some of their hopes and dreams on hold to help me achieve mine. I feel my failure as theirs too. But I've learned there is no way to please these people with whom I have been working. I know first hand that people with ten and more years of experience have not cut it for them. How could I? And I never bowed down enough for them. My mistake, I guess. I should have been more subservient, more humble, more abject. Or maybe that would have made this sadness unbearable, knowing that even my debasing myself would have not helped at all?
I am feeling scared right now. Another change, another city, another home, another people. I've done this so many times I should be used to it. But when does it stop? When will the merry-go-round of places and faces stop? But if I've done it before, what's the difference now? I should take it as one more opportunity to learn, to grow, to do all those things self-help books tell you to do. Look ahead, not just curl up in a corner and whimper. Or try to off yourself. Because somehow I know that I'll go through the new everything and will end up knowing more. But it's so fucking difficult. And part of my rebels: 'why again?'
I am feeling hopeful right now. I have been told I may have other doors open for me in another city. I am going to try and apply for a job there and will move next year. An open invitation that may make other parts of my life easier (too long a story for a blog). This comes actually as a silver lining to all this series of backstabbing and ill-hidden malicious banter. I am going to move to another city in the Midwest again (still cannot believe it) and will look for a job that is not too stressing, something I can do for some months while I regain my strength and my courage and my desire to go back to work in academia.
Meanwhile it would be good to feel sleepy...
I am losing way too much sleep. And that's precious to me. These people do not deserve my losing sleep over their selfish, little schemes and selfish little dramas. Karma is a bitch. And this may be mine. Let's hope theirs is the same kind of animal.