A few days ago I got an email from a friend. She said she was looking forward to reading what I had to say about 2008. Then I realized that I’ve been writing these emails to my friends every end of the year, telling them about my life and miracles (or lack thereof) and keeping a thin thread going between my life now and the life I left ten years ago, when I moved to WV.
Ten years. It seems like a lot and it does not seem like much. Sometimes those years feel heavy, like going swimming with all your clothes on. Sometimes light, like a snowflake. But they are there. And this last one has been one of most decisive. Even more than when I was left in Pittsburgh with $100 to my name. Even more than when I decided to move to Ohio. Much, much more.
This year has showed me that I can despair like the best of them and that I can recover like the rest of them. This year brought my worst fears to the forefront and I’m still here, looking at them, waiting for them to look at me in the eye. One has already done it. I’m living on a prayer, waiting for this job to end without having other lined up. I’m waiting to move to Chitown, knowing only that I have some savings that can carry me through some time but not indefinitely.
I am leaving part of my heart here, when I move to Illinois. I don’t know if I will recover it or when. I only hope it is soon. I may have to re-plan my whole life, start anew, leave everything behind. Again.
But I did it once, didn’t I? I started anew ten years ago and I managed to detangle myself from fears and dreams. I’m older now, though. None the wiser, mind you. But older. Maybe a little bit wiser. After all, all these years have not passed without leaving a mark. So no New Year resolutions, no promises to myself, no structured plans that can fall down like a house of cards. Nothing. I have come to realize that things happen for a reason. Both the good and the ‘bad’. Or what we consider ‘bad’ at a certain time. So I’ll move to Chicago, and will leave this job with as much poise as I can, even though I feel weary of the move and hurt by the job fiasco. I know that something will come up from these two changes. If it means that I’ll find a new way in life, so be it. If it means that I have to keep moving, to keep changing, so be it. I think I’m not afraid of losing myself anymore. Or afraid of losing material things. It may be inconvenient, but not cataclysmic. So no New Year Resolutions.
Just the assurance that things will change. Change is the one thing that is constant. That, dear Constant Reader is the one thing I'm sure I've learned.
Happy New Year, dear Constant Reader.
Happy New Year, whatever that means to you.