Really, what is it with my subconscious mind? My id has been out of whack lately. I've had some kind of disturbing dreams lately and they are kind of disturbing. Disturbing, because I have been dreaming with some of my exes. As in DREAMING with them: sense of touch, smell, colors, the whole nine yards. What is worse, these have been kind-of wet dreams. As in sex.
I think my mind is playing tricks on me, because these men -with several degrees of guilt- have done something to hurt me whether intentionally or not, in the past. Obviously, there are going to be hurt feelings when a relationship is over, but with some of these guys, it has been almost all-out war.
Take T, for example, who left me for a younger guy (that hurt), left me stranded in a city with little-to-no-money (that kind of hurt), then paraded his new lover(s) in my friends' faces, offering GRAPHIC evidence of his philandering ways (pathetic) and ended up by telling all of my friends in a chain letter that I owed him money (long story). So go figure. And I have the nerve to dream of him fucking me. I was equally aroused and disgusted.
Aroused, because he had a great dick and was insatiable in bed. He used to want me constantly and was actually quite adventurous in bed and we indeed had good times together, especially at the beginning of the relationship, as it is usual in this kind of dynamics. He was overall a quite competent lover and sex was what kept us together and what separated us at the end, when I could not stand him at the end. And disgusted because even though he was very nice to me at the beginning, he was a jealous prick at the end. He also made me give him details of my relationships with one of my ex-boyfriends and called me a lying little bitch once. And then all the things he did at the end. Barf.
The weird thing in the dream is that he was not the bloated walrus he was when he broke up with me, but a version of a later T I got to see in some pictures post-breakup (you know, the magic of Facebook). A later version that was pounds and pounds slimmer than the guy I saw last (he was NOT getting laid AT ALL when his boy-toy left him a few months after he left me, so he got a grip and lost a ton of weight in honor of getting laid in L.A. where physical appearance really counts.
So in these dreams (because I had several of them) he was always very close to me, kissing me and doing wonderful things to me, fucking me like he did during those first months of 'honeymoon' period so many years ago. And I enjoyed each and every one of the things he was doing to me. I returned kiss for kiss, lick for lick, moan for moan. I woke up sporting wood and had to 'take care of business' each and every time I dreamt of him.
Why is it that the longer it's been since someone has broken your heart, the more selective your memory becomes? Why should we stick to the most favorable view we have of them, when we know the crass, cheating, stupid sleazeballs they were? Why can't we just delete them from our hard drives and dream with some hot piece we have seen on the street or on a picture? Or with one of the 'good' exes? (because there are some of those, too). I don't have an answer for that. Maybe therapy would clarify things for me? I'll make sure I ask that the next time I have a nervous breakdown.
Meanwhile, I'm going to try and let go of the baggage and enjoy the dreams I have with this douchebag. If he did give me pleasure many years ago, why not exact sweet revenge on his memory and enjoy him now MY way? I think that would be more productive. And -definitely- much more pleasurable...
I guess I should just lay back and enjoy the ride. Literally. Again. Again... And again...