Why wait?

Drowning in your sweat
'Til I drench my clothes
You've seen nothing yet
Wait 'til you let go
Why wait for later?

Shakira.



Whoa.
Been busy. Been busy with things that are not necessarily exciting. Kind of life as usual. Just basically work and family stuff. And work. And work. Not that I'm overworked because I'm not. More of busywork than actual heavy work. But it keeps me occupied and does not let me think about things that would make me feel bad.
It does not let me think about things that would make me feel good either. Take sex, for example. I have not had sex for awhile now. Too long, would some of my friends say. And I'm not sure if I miss it all that much. I imagine that men are animals of custom and I'm getting accustomed to not getting any. Go figure. I guess I'll have to return my toaster. The one I won when I entered the gay club. Because I imagine that in the eyes of many gay men, when you are not an 'active member' of the club, you might as well be dead. From the waist down, anyways.

But that lack of action may be due to the fact that I have come to prefer quality to quantity. So if there are no interesting prospects (as in available men) then I just rather stay put. Not that I don't see attractive men. I see attractive men all the time. On the train, on the street, at work... But none of them seems to spark any interest in me. None. I don't feel that weakness in the knees, that fire on the skin, that rush of the blood. Nothing.
Come to think of it, that is something I do miss. I miss that sudden awakening of your loins, that indescribable rush of interest that makes you salivate, that puts you in red alert, that makes your heart beat faster and your senses awaken. That alertness that erases everything but the man that is with you and your need for him. That I don't have.

It's been many years since I've had sex just for having it. The quintessential trick/casual sex/quickie. None of the wham-bam-thank-you-man that help so many men get a quick release without any kind of emotional connection. Just the quick satisfaction of flesh against flesh and the release of other's touch. I haven't had any fuck buddies either. Mostly because I don't really think that the whole no-strrings-attached thing works all that well. Hell, you're sucking a guy's dick on a regular basis and fucking or getting fucked by him often. Of course some kind of link or emotional connection is bound to happen. Even if you don't discuss with them neither the news nor your thoughts, there must be something beyond the heat of the pheromone exchange to keep you coming back for more. At least I think so.

So I've been what you would call 'celibate' for awhile now. I've been waiting to feel in the mood again. But I don't seem to find motivation. Either in me or outside. I have not met anybody who would shake me out of my stupor, and I don't think my beloved Boo could do anything. There's no fire there. And I know that would surprise many who know me. Maybe because what I project may lead people to think that I am constantly getting some, when for me that's a natural state. I'm a touchy-feely person. I smile frequently. I don't shy away from talking about sex or getting emotionally close to people. And that sometimes is taken as 'sexual'. But still I am not having any. And I think I don't miss it. I don't miss the quick release. I have the touch of my head to take care of that. I may miss the pheromone rush that makes you forget the world and concentrate on the man who's with you, the depth of a kiss given with the hunger that only real attraction and a deep connection can give you. That urgency you feel in your loins that tells you that your clothes are in the way. I guess I miss being in lust with someone I really care about. Maybe that's love?





Videos taken from a anatomia do gato, and the fantastic