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The notion that gay men can be discriminatory when looking for dick is not something that suddenly came to be with the advent of the hookup app. Way before grindr and scruff and hornet and a whole myriad of apps that made the take home nookie easier, gay men went for other men who fulfilled the idea they had of what a 'man' was.

Way before the notorious 'no fats, no fems, no (add your preferred racist trope here)', in the olden days before the internet, gay men tended to have an idea of masculinity that influenced the way they approached other gay men.  I think it was carved from the pages of muscle magazines, chiseled from internalized homophobia, refined by a sense of inadequacy that permeated the way gay men chose their partners (whether for the night or for the long run) deeply entrenched on the idea that women or anything remotely feminine was not good.

There's always been 'the clone'. Before the never ending parade of headless pumped up torsos and extra short bios on your screen, the fantasy of the ideal man was present in the gay bar or club, where men got together to parade their wares. And some were not buying what you've got. Some of them were particular about what they wanted to take home. And many used the old 'if I wanted a girl'...

I find the idea of scrupulously rejecting anybody who does not fit the idea you have of something just because of that idea as limiting. I have dated older and younger, lighter and darker, butch-er and 'femme-er'. And have always been satisfied. Not only in bed, but also with my relationship to that man. Because I think it's the man himself who makes us happy or not. It's not the way he presents himself, or the color of his skin, or his age. I admit we imbue our (sex) partners with some qualities that make them attractive to our eyes, but obliterating who they ARE to fulfill our fantasies is just plain silly. At the end of the day, that man is... himself. Warts and all.

It's silly because they will always be who they are no matter how hard we don't want them to be. And they are all men. That we convince ourselves that we are only attracted to SOME parts of a man or some traits we find attractive (the muscles, the swagger, the mannerisms, the lack of melanin, you name it) could be the most limiting action we could take when interacting with a possible mate. What that does is that it reduces another human being to a checklist. We don't see the person, we just see the traits. And traits will only get you so far.

Once you come, once the urge has been sated, it's the man who's laying on your sheets. And that's when the real work begins. Because once the cock is not hard anymore, you'll have to talk, and that's when the real person comes out. Devoid of all YOUR fantasies. And then, what are you gonna do?

xoxo

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