love me tender

There's nothing like having a man who actually shows affection. Really. I could NOT have a relationship or even sex with a man who is not able to be affectionate. Even hookups must abide by this rule. That’s why the straight man mystique does not attract me the same way it may attract other men. The Marlboro man is very attractive on paper or on a tv ad but cold in real life. As Shania said, that don't impress me much.

Rivers of ink and hours of browsing have been invested in praising fucking a straight man. There's channels on PornHub dedicated to that. If we were to trust porn, all we need to get a straight man to fuck us is basically touch his dick. And then he lays down and that's it. That's part of the whole thing: the straight man is there for us to serve. Wham-Bam, not even a thank you, man?

I find that objectifying straight men is not the problem. Ogling beautiful men should be considered an Olympic sport. And a nice dick is a nice dick is a nice dick. I think that what is problematic is attaching what is considered 'straight' qualities (coldness, detachment, being impervious to feelings) to some kind of prize that some gay men want to win. Equating masculinity to anything and everything constructed as 'not feminine' is what I cannot understand. I find that a man who is in touch with his feelings (whether through empathy or simply by being able to reflect on his emotions) is much more attractive. Sexier. But many men consider 'feelings' as something only females are usually willing to show.

Nothing is sexier than a man who holds your hand. A man who spoons you after sex. A man who kisses you both playfully and sensually. A man who is able to show a variety of feelings, from happiness to horniness to disappointment to hurt. I don't really feel attraction to men who are not able to express more than anger or lust. Or what's worst, detachment. And that's what some gay men seem to crave: a man who is sexually available but emotionally distant. They usually advertise for it, disguised as another 'preference'.

I understand that we can have sex without love and feel love without having sex. They are not mutually necessary. But having sex with someone with whom I connect at an emotional level is so much more rewarding! I've had one night stands. I have had quickies. And maybe that's why I know I won't feel really satisfied with just a hard dick and a handshake. No matter how hot the guy. Maybe it's because I have had men who are capable of getting in touch with their feelings (and mine) that the mystique of the Marlboro man really leaves me cold.

And I'm not talking about waiting for Prince Charming. It could be John Doe and even if he's not 'perfect' in the gaystapo's eyes, he'll still score with me if he's emotionally available. It does not have to do with perfection and of course he needs to have all his teeth and not live in his parent's basement. But I need to know if he's cold as ice. I have to know that he's able to share both intimacy and empathy. I need the hardcore and the gentle. Big time sensuality.



xoxo