policy of truth

Some people think about, talk about, and masturbate about certain fantasies without ever wanting to realize them. Let's call them Team Fantasize. Some people think about, etc, certain fantasies and would very much like to realize them. Let's call them Team Realize. There's nothing wrong with either team. But when someone on Team Fantasize is married to someone on Team Realize, well, that can be a problem. 

Dan Savage.





Yes, I know. being truthful is the best policy. But really, are we all ready to just blurt out our sexual fantasy (fantasies) to our significant others? Are we all willing to let our better halves a peek into what is it that really get our engines roaring? Not like Americans have a huge ballpark to play when it comes to sexy time daydreaming, according to the interwebs. But looking at what apparently gets most people ticking, I think that there may not be much kink or deviancy from the norm involved in those fantasies as much as a strong desire to connect with others? Let me elaborate.

Let's take BDSM. This fantasy could probably explain the explosion of mommy porn that followed the publication of Fifty Shades of Crap. That really badly written fanfic made its author millions when suddenly suburban moms decided they were up for grabs with a feather whip and some fake handcuffs. And they were not the only ones shouting their newly acquired taste for misguided BDSM from the rooftops of suburbia. Their husbands were barking their joy in Firestone waiting rooms all across the country. I know because I was kind of subjected to their confessions when heard two of their joyful representatives speak about their wive's newly acquired taste for bedtime reading while waiting for my tires to be rotated. But at the end of the day I think that their suddenly awakened desire for watered down BDSM is more a yearning for intimacy than an actual kink. You see, I think that when you let somebody tie you up with plastic handcuffs made in Hong Kong and blindfold you with a handkerchief bought at Target while they have their way with you it's more about you trusting them and cementing your bond with them than actually getting off because of a newly discovered kink. It's the idea of being kinky what gets them all off more than the actual kink. Don't you think that these housewives would faint at the idea of a real Dom/Slave relationship? Their giggling during a Book Club while exchanging hardcover editions of Fifty Shades (and its subsequently abysmally-written sequels) would turn to pearl clutching if they were to enter in a relationship where they would have to actually memorize a safe word. At least that's what I think.

What about threesomes? The next big fantasy people seem to think about? I think it's also about desire for more intimacy and closeness. Along with partner-sharing and non-monogamy that one is apparently one other big thing many people would really like to indulge in. Add adventure and novelty and the idea of group sex and voila,  you have an intoxicating cocktail of the forbidden and the pleasurable. Difficult to get out of your mind once it takes root too, I'm sure. Yes, having two men in bed with you sounds like fun, but at the same time, that means that you double your connection to them. Because to fuck someone or let someone fuck you, you need a modicum of intimacy (yeah, even a hookup requires intimacy). After all, you're letting someone IN you. So when you have sex with two men at the same time, you're doubling that intimacy. It would be the Wrigley's moment of your life. I would add there's a head trip, too. You are already transgressing when you have anal, so you add the transgression of non-monogamy and voila! Instant boner. And of course, there's the doubling the fun and doubling the pleasure. But above all, there's that need for a deep connection that multiplies again. Team Fantasize is in heaven.

But when push comes to shove, Team Realize is the one that needs to put their backs into it. I'm sure very few people are actually willing to recognize (and confess) what is it that they REALLY wanna do in bed. Maybe because they fear rejection? Judgement? A fulminating breakup/divorce? Probably all three. Nobody wants to be considered untrustworthy. And we have been conditioned to think that a trustworthy relationship needs to be monogamous. Nobody wants to fuck up a long term relationship, and we have heard the rumors about our local Newt Gringwich at one time or another. Not everybody is married/in a relationship with someone who is GGG and willing to let them experiment at least once in their lifetime. So most people in America keep those Puritan principles in full display for the world to see, even though behind closed doors they pine for some good old transgressive sex? Think about it.

We are all sexual creatures. When society does all it can to suppress those feelings, you can bet your lunch they are going to come up somehow, somewhere, sometime. So why the push to suppress telling the person you are apparently so close to at least the gist of those fantasies you've been ruminating about for awhile? Even a watered down version of them? It all boils down to fear. Fear of being considered an unfaithful freak. But getting your freak on is basically one of the reasons (if not the main reason) that got you into a relationship to begin with. You have to want to have sex with someone to get into a relationship with them. Team Fantasize should get together with Team Realize and get it on already. For everybody's enjoyment.




xoxo