huà shé tiān zú

In the gay community, being Asian can be a very fetishized experience. Some people even remark about how fit I am, and how much bigger and more muscular I am than the average Asian guy—average in air quotes, of course. Maybe they just imagine an Asian that’s skinny and a twink. They’re certainly out there, and good for them. But I’m not them. I don’t have a small penis. Sorry if that’s your fantasy.

James, 35 

And the myth lives on. What is it with stereotypes and their nagging insistence to stick to every discussion we have about race and of course, dating (or hooking up, I'm not judging, here). Gay men especially, are those who keep adding legs to the snake before they have finished drawing it. They discount a whole group of men based on biased perceptions and are most probably missing out in the process.

What is it with people who decide that's easier to dump everybody in a big heap and then think they're done? Is it because it's easy? Is it just people being (intellectually and morally) lazy? What is it that leads people to just decide that a stereotype covers all their sins? Is it because it is difficult for them to leave their comfort zone?

I have dated men of many races/ethnicities and when I have been going out with them what counts is how they make me feel and how well we connect. Their race is the least important thing at the moment of deciding if we're going to kiss or not. Let alone if we're going to fuck or not. We should not decide on who we would want to date by following an idea put in our heads by society.

I am not Asian, so I cannot write about my experiences of dating while Asian, but I have dated Asian men and the fact that they were Asian did not count in beyond the fact that we would have had to navigate some customs I was not used to (and it was fun!). And I should maybe add that I dated Asian men while living in the bubble of college, where most everything and everybody is seen through a filter of intellectual inquiry mixed in with some definite desire of sexual exploration. So maybe my experience is not that of everybody.

But the next time you meet an Asian guy, look at him in the eyes and shake his hand and don't think about the stereotypes you may have heard about Asian men. They're just men. Just go with your gut and decide if he could light your fire. And then go from there. Go ahead, I support you.

xoxo