in the light

I'd have to confess I'm not really too much into one night stands. There. I said it. I know, funny, considering that I like sex so much. I just find them terribly awkward and somehow lacking. Same with hooking up. I have done both and I have enjoyed both, don't get me wrong. The only thing is that most times I feel like I was hungry and I went for dessert. I am hungry in two hours again.

And I don't find one night stands or the hooking up awkward per se, but awkward in the sense that I'm thrust into a very intimate situation with a man I really don't know, and that puts me in a vulnerable position. And I think I don't like that. Most people find that being with someone new really thrilling and exciting. The thrill of the hunt, am I right? The sexy discovery of a new body. The excitement of having sex with someone new. I understand all that. But in reality, the going from the living room (the social situation) to the boudoir (the sex act) are for me easier with someone I know than with someone I just met.

Sometimes the chemistry with the man helps this transition, of course. Sometimes we are so overcome by attraction that all we want is for that man to touch us, to kiss us, to show us what he's got. But I always keep thinking that hopefully it'll all transcend a little bit and allow me to enjoy the man and his dick as well as his company. Because one of the caveats of both the one night stand and the hookup is their temporality.

By default, when we enter into one of these arrangements, it is with the implicit expectation that it will not last. And therein lays their value. We are willing to let the man fuck us, but there is no immediate agreement to anything more lasting. We're there for the party. And that's all. And that can be fun. As I mentioned, the thrill of the hookup is the hookup per se. We have all had that one experience that has been absolutely mind blowing because it exists as an interlude, it was intended to be what it was: momentary. We go into it knowing that it's driven by a need and once that need is sated, we go back to our 'normal' life. Both the one night stand and the hookup exist in the realm of sexual attraction and we all know there's very few things stronger than a lustful disposition. A hard dick knows no excuses.

But there's also that search for a connection, the need to be with someone who clicks with us and most times physical attraction is the first and only indicator of that connection. So we go into the hookup or the one night stand driven both by the salacious promise of a good time and the need to get our rocks off but with the hopes that it will spark a more lasting affinity. Even the most recalcitrant of users of Grindr (or Growlr, or Hornet or any of those apps) cannot deny that behind that search for Mr. Right Now there is a tiny spark of hope that maybe this one is the one.

Maybe I'm just slightly delusional and want to hold on to silly romantic notions of what being with someone is. Maybe I have kept up with some outmoded ideas of what romance and sex are and that has hindered my chances of adventure or enjoyment or excitement. But it has also produced some lasting relationships and some strong connections to men that have been instrumental in my growth as a person. Maybe it's that I don't have any FOMO and that I don't attach any extra value to sleeping with many men. Or maybe it's just that I invest too much mojo into the men I like to just kiss them goodbye once the urge has been sated. Who knows? Any keyboard Freud can go ahead and speculate. Meanwhile, I'll just sit here. And type.

xoxo