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Because I can

“I could write a song about this and maybe I will but for now, I will use ‘CRIMINAL’ to help the WRONGLY criminalized get justice.”


Fiona Apple, along with Matchbox Twenty, Tracy Chapman, Tori Amos, Dashboard Confessional and Green Day among others, will always mean 'freshman college' to me. Fiona -and Criminal- do have a special meaning for me: When that video came out, the 'break a boy just because he can' lyric was too close for comfort.

You see, I started a relationship with a guy while still being in a relationship with somebody else. It was foolish, risky, irresponsible, immature and absolutely exhilarating. And I was in that limbo for hot minute. I could not make up my mind and I messed up big time, messing up their lives and mine, in the process. There's nothing worse than feeling that you love two men at the same time and being incapable of making up your mind and deciding already what (or who) is it that you want/need/love. That's why I don't think monogamy is for me. It was the best of times and the worst of times and I sometimes still think about it.

I ended up without either. I had to leave them both because I was presented with an opportunity I could not say no to. So I  did the selfish but right thing to do and I uprooted myself and gave up two of the men I have loved most. One of them passed away last year, way before his time. We were best friends and he was my accomplice and confidant, even after all those years. The other one decided to vanish himself and one day disappeared and I have not been able to track him down. And that may be better for me, because I had gotten in a vicious circle with our relationship, enabling his codependency and not being able to break free from his needs and claims. Guilt works like that sometimes.

Yeah, all this came back to me when I read that Fiona Apple was going to donate all the proceeds from her hit Criminal to benefit While They Wait, an organization that works providing help to refugees.  She has also encouraged other artists to do the same and I hope they follow through. It's an awesome gesture and I think it will help some people who really need it.

Funny, what one song can do to you, no?



  1. music is such a huge part of my life; it was there for me in bad times. it energized me to fight back. it now calms me when I want to punch every fucking nazi I see.

  2. I always loved her sultry voice. Good for her but also sad when people have to step in because their government is failing.

  3. I was a huge Fiona Apple fan. That's an intresting story. I think we are very much the same. I tend to operate better single and can find monogony is for me either...basic selfishness on my part. I enjoy alot of sex and think with my cock at times. Warbucks and the lad are both fine with my decision. I was at one time, for almost two years in a triad relationship. It was intresting, fun, exhilarating and alot of work. Interesting to go to bed every night with two guys. And there was love on all sides. Still friends with one...and sex here and there. The other moved but still hear from him time to time. Now behave I'll be away on vacay, but had to post to this. I'llmiss my blogs while away. You an addiction for me daily .

  4. Yaz, Fiona!

    I'M A HOME WRECKER! But in the end, I think I brought them closer together. However, Once a cheat, always a cheat. I think of my first lover (married) every time I see the movie 'Other Woman', and the phrase "I get more ass than a toilet seat". The son is still following me around via internet, and is probably reading this and I hope he likes my taste in porn as it is how his father liked it (Hi Jeffrey). I've thrown olive branches, but no go. Too bad for him.

    My advice, never get involved with someone who is already in a relationship. Someone will get hurt, and it will probably be you.

    **steps down from soap box**

  5. I remember seeing Tracy Chapman at an Amnesty International concert at the LA Coliseum. Over 100,000 people and her set was Tracy and a guitar and she held us all spellbound. She was then, and remains today, one of my favorite singer-songwriters.

    I, too, had a longtime love back in the day, and we lost track of one another, and then one day, just flipping through the newspaper, i found his obituary. I hadn't seen him in many years but there was still that pang.

  6. @annemarie: same! It seems that everything in my life can be tracked back to some kind of soundtrack. And yes to punching nazis.
    @steven: her voice was (is) fantastic. Her lyrics too! So rich and complex.
    @maddie: I think we do operate in a very similar way. My relationship was not really a throuple but I think I could do something like that. And will miss your posts too! Have fun!
    @jimmy: LoL we have that in common, I guess! I have had relationships with married men throughout my life. Sometimes it has worked, sometimes not. And I guess you are right. We’re stubborn, no?
    @bob: omg Tracy Chapman! Yes! The nineties and the aughts gave us so many great singer songwriters! Remember Lilith Fair and all those fantastic women? And yes, that pang always comes back. Every time.


  7. Sixpence, No. I want to be the other half-50%, not 10% on his availability plus no sneaking around and lying.


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