Shut up and drive



I learned to drive out of necessity: it was during my first semester in college. I used to live on campus, so I did not really need transportation to go class. I did not live on Frat Row or anything like that, but in a college town you will always find affordable living basically walking distance from campus, so I had a comfy trek from my tiny apartment to class.

All that changed when I met someone and we decided to move in together. I lived with a guy who knew the city much better than I did (oh, you've read about him in the blog before) and he convinced met to live off-campus with him when he started having problems with his dragon landlady and I did not even think about it for two minutes before I said yes. I was dickmatized and never thought about the consequences. Yes, dear. I was not thinking at all. It happens when the dick is good.

So I found out that I needed to learn to to drive a stick-shift pronto. Because you see, my ex drove an old model that was not automatic. And I had never had a car. I was used urban life and to riding a Vespa everywhere I went and never really felt the need to actually learn how to drive a car.

So he tried to teach me. It did not go well. If you really want to keep your relationship going, please, do not teach your significant other how to drive. Find someone else to teach them. It was one of the most frustrating experiences I have ever had. He was patient, but patience does have a limit, especially when teaching someone to drive a stick-shift and discovering that he has some kind of special dyslexia that only recognizes 'left' and 'ahead' and has two right feet.

I finally learned how to drive, though. He borrowed his friend's Cherokee and I (barely) learned to parallel park and stay in my lane in a record two weeks. I devoured the  pamphlet they give you at the DMV and practiced parking in an empty parking lot. But because luck is such an elusive bitch, the day I took my driver's test I did not drive that Jeep. I drove a 'new' car my ex had gotten and everything was going peachy until I was asked about the hazard lights. I froze. I did not see that one coming. And I could not find them in the dashboard of the 'new' car. So I failed my first driving test. After having passed the written part, I failed the actual driving test. Because I could not locate the hazard lights in that fucking car. I cried bitter tears on the hood of that car. I was so mad at myself I actually spat.

I waited two weeks and went back to the DMV. And I passed the goddamn driving test. Both the written part and the actual driving part. It signaled a new beginning for me. And also signaled the end of that relationship, not that I knew at the time, but the signs were all there. We were doomed, but I had learned to drive. After that, I got my first car (a Saturn with a super-cute third door!) and I was off to greener pastures. It was an experience. And even though our breakup was bitter and it took me a hot second to get over him, I am thankful he taught me how to drive. He broke my heart but he opened the door to many road trips and great getaways. There's always a silver lining, no?



XOXO




Comments

  1. Hazard lights? They failed you for that? I was 16 for my first driver’s test. I also failed. But because I accelerated too quickly after doing the uphill parking test. And it was a boat of a car, a Pontiac Catalina. But I came back and aced it the next time. We didn’t gave all the restrictions they put in young drivers these days. But time moves forward and before you know it you’re driving in the left lane of the highway going 45...with your hazards on 😜.

    XOXO 👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yep. I could not find the goddamn lights and she’s sent me away. I was devastated. And you know I’m always going 45! 🤣

      Delete
  2. It's my back up lights I have the issue with!!!!!!!!! Neither of my parents attempted to teach me, they hired a driving instructor. A big lesbytrian who reminded me of It's Pat from the SNL skit . She was fun. I passed the test the first time. Like you ssid....dick is a great motivator. It meant I could now see my high school boy toy more after school. Talk about learning stick shift.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha omg I loved Pat! And I think it’s better if someone other than loved ones teaches us. It’s their job! No feelings. And it’s true! That stick shift brought more stick shifts to drive. Vrooom!

      Delete
  3. Am I the oddball?
    Yes.
    I learned at 16, passed the first time, and have been driving for DECAAAAAAAADES!
    And I didn't do it for dick, I didf it for the freedom ... oh, maybe it was dick.

    PS
    Your word 'dickmatized' is my new favorite word! I may steal it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, I bet your first cars would have STORIES to tell, especially that back seat! LoL But you’re relight: it’s the FREEDOM that driving gives you.

      Delete
  4. I learned the summer of 71, right before I started my senior year of high school. my sperm donor taught me automatic on his 69 chevy camaro. I took my driving test on an auto 71 chevy impala, a YUGE fucking yacht of a car. passed the first time. I learned to drive so I could get back/forth to college. and I have never driven a stick shift, unless you count a guy's dick.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But isnt it hard to shift Anne Marie, w hen your sitting on it?

      Delete
    2. it's all in the hip movements, maddie gurl

      Delete
    3. Honey, if we’re gonna count guys dicks... I cannot shift for shit but I CAN ride a stick. 😈

      Delete
  5. I learned to drive in my Jr. year of high school because I started school early. I learned on an old, green Scout (they don't make them any more) with a stick shift on the floor. I have no doubt that's where I learned the importance of sticks and about shifting gears.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I cannot drive a stick shift to save my life. Really. I think people that can drive them are gifted.

      Delete
  6. I had a "learners" permit at 14. I could drive with someone 18 or older in the car in daylight. My dad got me a stick shift junker for my 16th birthday ( no Maddie, I didn't have to turn a crank). I've driven a stick ever since. My toy today is a stick drive roadster I've had for 20 years.

    I've made two poor choices for dick. Then, I found a frog that turned into a prince.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, Jimmy. Tell me about poor choices with dick. It’s awesome you drive a stick shift. My dream care is a Mini Cooper stick shift and I don’t know if I’ll ever get it!

      Delete

Post a Comment

Go ahead, give it to me.

Translate

Followers

Popular Posts

En otra lengua

Restricted to Adults

Restricted to Adults
Under 18? Beat it. Now.