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Asexuality isn’t a complex. It’s not a sickness. It’s not an automatic sign of trauma. It’s not a behaviour. It’s not the result of a decision. It’s not a chastity vow or an expression that we are ‘saving ourselves’. We aren’t by definition religious. We aren’t calling ourselves asexual as a statement of purity or moral superiority.

AEON

I was recently talking to someone and he told me he's discovered he's asexual. I was stunned. I don't think I've known anybody who identifies as asexual all my life. I was confused because he had told me he had been in relationships before and I had seen him being VERY friendly with another man. What was this, I wondered? For someone who really enjoys sex and thinks sex is part of any romantic relationship (and some that are just, well, sex), finding someone who told me sex was really not important was a realization.

You see, I started having sex when I was a teen. I explored sex with guys my age and with guys older than me. I went through many of the pitfalls many gay men go through : falling for straight boys who didn't want to fuck me, falling for straight boys who only wanted to fuck me, not paying attention to awesome guys who would have been good to me, paying attention to guys who were not good for me, falling for married bisexual men, falling for men in the closet, being the sex toy of three brothers in succession, fall for a father and then for his son, well, you get the idea. I have been around. And I have liked it.

So by the time I entered a serious relationship with a man, I had been infatuated with men multiple times, had had my heart broken once or twice and had been in sexual relationships with all kinds of men.  I have had fuck buddies, lovers and boyfriends, both my age and older and I have accumulated some experience concerning sex. But seex has always been there. And I had never really felt pressured to have sex with these men, mind you. So when this guy told me he discovered he was asexual and that he had been having sex with men because it was what he thought was expected of him, I was stunned. Having sex with someone without really wanting it is something I have never experienced. I have had sex with men BECAUSE I have really wanted them to wreck me.

And the funny thing is that I realized that yes, it is possible to be asexual and also feel the pressure to have sex even when we really don't feel it's something we want. Gay men are constantly bombarded with overtly sexualized images from the media and many times our success is tied to how sexually attractive we are and how much sex we have. Don't believe me? Just ask the owners of any hookup app and help them count their millions. Apparently, asexual people may also be inclined to have queer romantic relationships (even though some are aromantic, too) and pursue homosexual romantic relationships which include commitment and companionship but that reject conventional notions of romantic love. You could have knocked me out with a feather.

The thing is that I was just scratching the surface. For someone who enjoys sex very much and has had relationships that have tapered out sexually, meeting someone who did not feel sexual attraction was important was illuminating. Maybe I had not been aware of where those men with whom sex became less and important stood in the sexual spectrum? What if they had been semisexual, or demisexual? Yeah, those are terms that apply to people who are in that gray area between sexual and asexual, or who are capable of forming a romantic relationship with somebody (and have sex with them) when they feel a strong attraction.



I realized I have never thought about that. So maybe I have fallen for an asexual guy before? I have no idea. But it would be something worth explaining, don't you think? For us sexual people, the idea of an asexual relationship may seem daunting, but that's what open relationships are for, right? I wonder what it would be like to fall head over heels for a man who does not experience sexual attraction towards me but who loves me. Sounds contradictory, right? Maybe we should explore more the notion and be more aware that well, not everybody is like us.

XOXO

P.S. here, a graphic that may be helpful. Or that may confuse you more (you may need to click on it):



AVEN has much, much more!

Comments

  1. I have a good friend. We dated once years ago and every time I tried to have sex ....nothing. I thought, next time he comes over I'll parade around in my sport briefs. That always gets guys. When that failed to my shocked dismay....i came very close to painting a sign on my chest that said FUCK ME NOW. His roommate was also a good friend. I told him we'd been dating for weeks...no sex. He then told me it wouldn't happen as this guy was mostly asexual....and only got turned on by himself jerking off alone. Well shit. So it ended , i very sexual, but stayed good friends. A week later his roommate and. I had some of the hottest and romantic sex i ever had!!!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Those briefs would've gotten to me in a heartbeat.

      Delete
    2. OMG yes. Of course we don't usually have the very right on time roomie to provide us with that kind of information (or with the very needed romp). I laughed about the sign on the chest, but trust me, I feel you.

      XOXO

      Delete
  2. I think many of us have a hard time wrapping our heads around this. We see sex as a way to further connect with someone. As you said, sometimes sex is just sex, but in the context of a romantic relationship, it can convey deeper feelings.

    And we need to accept others where they are. In some long term relationships sex may eventually become non-existent for a number of reasons. What it comes down to, I guess, is be open and listen to what people tell you. And always show respect.

    XOXO 👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, yes, that's how we see sex and that's what creates the disconnect. I think if people would talk more about it, it would not be such an issue.

      XOXO

      Delete
    2. Well, yes, that's how we see sex and that's what creates the disconnect. I think if people would talk more about it, it would not be such an issue.

      XOXO

      Delete
  3. Ace people are just now starting to speak up and that's great.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, I do think it's an absolutely valid sexuality. We are all in a spectrum. And just like any other sexual expression, we need to recognize it. Kudos to them and all the resources available today that help us understand where it is that they're coming from.

      XOXO

      Delete
  4. Interesting. I can see it all, every part of the spectrum. I am not a "romantic" type of person. It's not that I don't love, but I don't need the hugging and kissing that is typically associated with a "romantic relationship." But I always loved sex and sexual attraction does exist for me. Gender does not matter. I've had my share of both men and women, my age, older, and younger. As I once told a friend of mine who asked, "It's all in who I feel comfortable with." And, yes, I do jerk off. So, there is that, too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Right! We all need something slightly different. It's not a one-size-fits-all. I guess that's why we get so attached to someone who seems to be just in our same wavelength. As you say, if there's a spectrum in sexual orientation, there must be one in sexual expression.

      XOXO

      Delete
  5. Asexuality... interesting. I don't think I know any. Everybody I know wants to bone something, even if it's only a fleshjack.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha. Right. But you see, boning a fleshjack does not mean they're not asexual, because some asexual people do like that release. I guess it's just complex.

      XOXO

      Delete
  6. I understand it, I think. But I'm not sure i could be in a relationship with an asexual person. Everyone needs a release of sorts, and i like mine with my husband.
    But again, to each his own, and if you're happy and honest and open about it,who should be bothered?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OMG same! It would be a little... sex-discordant? I understand some asexual people do get in relationships and do have sex with some people they love, but damn. I like my man to really want to fuck me. That's part of what gets me going.

      XOXO

      Delete

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