the devil you know

When grindr popped up in my radar it had already been providing booty calls to gay and bisexual men for awhile. You could say I was a late adopter, but I found the premise of an app who would allow me to chat to other men and the possibility to get to know them in the biblical sense quite interesting. So I said, 'why not?' and dove right in.

Also, at that time I was on Tumblr and a Tumblr friend dared me to start a conversation on Grindr with a guy and keep it going without having to let him fuck me. From his point of view (and experience) Grindr was full of vacuous, racist, fickle men who were not worth our time. And with time I discovered that was a fair assessment. But at that time I had no idea how Grindr worked and if you know me, you are probably rolling your eyes right now because that’s a sure way to get me to do something: a challenge. I accepted the challenge and downloaded the app. I posted a pic, filled out the data and waited.

I did get some “s’up?” And “Hey” that really did not lead to much. But I did have many, many convos with many, many men. I also went on many dates. All in public places, mind you. My friend Aaron (who came up with the challenge) told me that I should never, ever go to a guy’s house without having met him first and without having vetoed him somehow. He said that I should also always tell people where I was going. Just in case. And that's an advice I always followed.

You know, when you meet with a man you have met online for the frist time you ask him the usual questions about his likes and dislikes and try to get general info about his life. You also look him in the eye and try to gauge his personality.  Many of those men had already showed me what they were working with so that was not a pressing matter. We knew what we wanted. It was more a matter of ‘can I talk to him after we cum’ than a matter of ‘can I make him cum?’ for me at that point. Getting a man to fuck you is really not that difficult, is it? It’s a second or third date before having sex that prove more challenging.

I deleted the Grindr app years ago and to tell you the truth, I have not regretted it. Even though the promise of some nice dick is tempting, the myriad problems associated with Grindr (internalized homophobia, racism, classism, xenophobia, ageism and plain rude behavior among others) have kept me away. And I have learned that those problems were just the tip of the iceberg.

From the last news I've read, I have not been missing much. Apart from the aforementioned problems, it seems that Grindr has been selling users’ info and location to multiple partners. Yep, even in countries where homosexuality is penalized, putting in danger the lives of thousands and thousands of men who use the app. Despicable.

Besides, take into account that Grindr was sold to a Chinese investor years ago, so it’s not even an American company at this point that has your data when you're on Grinder. The Chinese have all your data, hunty. In case you didn’t know. On this day and age, data is as good as money: it's sold to companies that then target you with goods. All the social media giants do it, I believe, but Grindr also has your private pictures, your HIV status info, your location and your conversations. And you gave all that away for dick.

Also, on top of that, many men have been robbed and attacked by other men using the App. We all understand the perils of meeting someone we don't know in an unknown location, and still, we do it. Some men love the thrill of it. And of course Grindr is going to use by sociopaths who will get horny men in a compromising situation to then rob him. Or worse. Because worse than that has happened. One of these men, thinking he was going to have a sexy encounter, was killed and fucking EATEN by a psychopath recently.  And I blame Grindr and the false sense of security it gives us.

@JeffreeStar this man was found murdered after a grindr meet up in Michigan on Christmas Eve. I saw it on facebook and noticed he had several #jeffreestar tattoos. I wanted you to see this and all of us can keep his friends and family in our thoughts. pic.twitter.com/J9ryxTmgVz

— ♡ chels ♡ (@lourstin) December 29, 2019

I think that gay men getting their freak on using an App is perfectly acceptable. Gay men have always found a way to get nookie, be it in parks or restrooms or abandoned warehouses. That's not new. I'm all for people getting as much sex as they can or want. But an App that's being used to track people and mine their data while providing a false image of privacy, safety and comfort is not acceptable. I imagine it's not only Grindr that mines info from users, but that's the app of choice for many gay men and I think it's about time they should be aware of the tradeoff and the conscious decision they're making.

Yes, you can get dick a la carte. Yes, Grindr makes having sex easy and fast, but at what cost? I don't think I would use Grindr nowadays. I am not a big bruiser who could return a blow or two if some thugs would try to jump me or if someone would try to drag me to a basement to kill me. I don't reach 5'10" and I'm not covered in muscles. And that scares me. I feel for that man who was killed by a psychopath on Xmas eve. I thoroughly enjoy dick but an App that gives me a false sense of privacy and security may not be the right way to get it.

XOXO