How to do sexy

One of the things that I’ve thought a lot about during the pandemic has been sex. Seems pretty straightforward, no? No surprise there, I guess. It certainly isn't every seven seconds, of course, but it's been pretty often. I have realized that apparently, I am somehow vanilla. You see, on the surface, I don't seem to have a fetish or a kink. And to tell you the truth, I was a little bummed.

Not because I seem to be quite mundane when choosing the object of my desire, but because somehow I've thought that there were parts of me that kind of liked some practices that some would consider kinky or at least somehow sui generis. Apparently, every fetish or sexual obsession is really an imagined erotic solution to a real world anxiety. But really, if we explore that theory through the most common turn ons, and see them through the lens of porn, they seem to make sense.

Let's take uniforms. I think I like the idea of uniforms (army, doctors, firefighters, etc) in porn. They seem to convey equal parts authority and power and the way we deal with those forces. There's an underlying anxiety behind the uniform, of course. After all, people in uniform only seem to appear in extreme situations. But I guess that's why we see them as exciting as part of our erotic games.

At the same time, the fantasizing about uniforms seems to take that edge off authority and how much fun dealing with the real life intimidation uniforms bring. In sex, we can reverse that situation. We get the right kind of attention from the man in that uniform. Also, many of the situations in which uniforms and sex play are involved in fantasy, the uniform and therefore authority, is thrilled to be with us. It's a collaborator and accomplice.

Now, the idea of submission seems somehow common, one of the most commonly represented fetishes in porn. Being able to surrender to someone who takes charge in full and not being daunted by suffering seems like a good coping mechanism. It does not solve the problem of reality, but the erotic relief that comes with submission may come handy for someone bossy.

We live in a culture that pushes us to be independent and autonomous. Being submissive I guess allows us to let someone else to take charge. Being able to 'take it' seems like a way to being able to sympathize with letting sexual desire overrule the rules that do not let us give commands and be insistent and a little harsh.

We know how being tyrannical does not work, but I guess the fantasy of being strong and harsh with the certainty that the other person is going to be ok is a deep honor. The commands become a delight. We do not surrender to any person, we surrender to someone who cares about us and about our needs. 

Now, for the sex in public places thing. Even though I have done it, I have to admit that it's kind of uncomfortable and it does not lend itself for cuddling. It has more to do with letting go of the constraints of daily life, we behave as we like and disregard social norms. 

I guess that it is more of a letting go of the best behavior we keep in our daily lives. Public sex civilizes the wilderness. Besides, we overlook public opinion and heal the wound that being obligated to be civilized may cause. 

So I guess sexual scenarios seem to be able to be explained in a very rational way. Once we take away the taboo and the repression, they do not seem to be that outlandish. Being put on a dog collar or being fucked outdoors seem a little bit more logical. And so much fun.

XOXO