Closer

I don't know if you've noticed, but my avatar is Trent Reznor in Closer. When I started the blog back in 2005 (it's really been that long?) I was going through a series of changes and upheavals and even though my life was not a mess, it had suffered many changes and I think that was reflected in the choices I made. Even when I chose that avatar to represent me in this world of ones and zeroes, where you can be anything you wanna be.

Looking back, it does not surprise me that I was so into NIN. They had evolved in their music, but kept that edge that made me pay attention to them. Also, I thought Trent Reznor was the shit. I have always have a thing for intense, brainy men with a five o'clock shadow and a leather jacket, natch. Yeah, I have always had that bent. Also, Closer really encapsulated that period in my life. The lyrics could not be more appropriate:

You let me violate you

You let me desecrate you

You let me penetrate you

You let me complicate you

Help me; I broke apart my insides

Help me; i've got no soul to sell

Help me; the only thing that works for me

Help me get away from myself

I wanna fuck you like an animal

I wanna feel you from the inside

I wanna fuck you like an animal

My whole existence is flawed

You get me closer to God.

Even though The Downward Spiral sounded a little too nihilistic to me, I loved the metaphors and the industrial-techno sound. I had overgrown the Rave scene and I was not going out as much as I did a year or two before. But having recovered from an earth-shattering breakup and after I picked up the pieces to start anew, I still had some unresolved angst in me. That's why I started blogging, I guess. And that's why I chose that little gif as my avatar.

Funny to think that I'm still using that avatar, though. Even though my life has done a 180 (or two) since I started blogging, I have never changed it. I think that may be because I'm still looking for something. Not out of angst, mind you, but out of curiosity. And curiosity may have killed the cat but it still drives me.

I am curious about life and about people and about the things that make them tick. I am also curious about myself and other people and I explore that here. Sometimes I wish I had one of those upbeat, cheery blogs that publish recipes and are always very optimistic. But that wouldn't be me, right? I still feel that Trent talks to me. Even though I feel I have grown as a person, there's still that nagging sensation inside me that tells me I need to mature, to keep searching. Do you ever feel that?



Nine Inch Nails: Closer (Uncensored) (1994) from Nine Inch Nails on Vimeo.

Well, there's also the feeling I have that I need to find some kind of resolution to some things in my life that need to be resolved. I know, it's not some deep philosophical quest, but it's nonetheless one that I feel I need to complete. There are some things I have got to pay attention to, and even though the resolution to some of those are not in my hands, some do need my direct input. The problem is, how do I address them? Choices, as Tatianna would say. We all have those, don't we?

Also, I still want Trent to fulfill his promise...

Come on over, Trent. I'm waiting....

XOXO