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Oh, Infidel

 





ALIFRANCO

I'm planning on making a mix tape for a guy. Quaint, huh? This guy just stepped into my life and I'm not sure what to make of it. He's young, he's effervescent (in his own words, with the right meaning this time) and he makes me feel like I own the fucking world. 

It's weird, though. Because he's too young for my taste and our worlds revolve in different universes, basically. He's interesting, though. Something that you cannot say very often about the typical young American male, on his way to become a Marlboro Man, all stoic and ready to detach himself of everything and everybody. He's sexy and he makes my heart beat harder every time I see him. That's why I want to make a mix tape for him. 

Oh, and because he still has a tape player in the cutest car I've laid eyes on in the last seven years. And because he just came here to kiss me. Yeah, he's that kind of guy. 




That was the first post I ever wrote on Blogger. It was 2005. So I've been blogging for awhile, now. Infidel was asking what made me choose the name of the blog and the handle on the URL. So here's the story, morning glory. Are you ready?

It all started innocently enough. We met in a SGA/LGBTQ group. The college had promoted the meeting and I went with one of my friends. And there he was. All quiet swagger and pretty eyes. I did not speak during that meeting but he did and what he said piqued my curiosity. Who was this boy who was so articulate? I asked my friend. He knew him. Apparently, Mr. Articulate was a theater kid and he was a Freshman. Such aplomb in a Freshman? I was curious. And as we all know, curiosity killed the cat. And it almost did me in.

We met again at a get together I went with my friend. It turned out we had several friends in common and we started going out in group. You know, house parties, movies, to eat pizza, dancing, the works. Soon we got to be alone together. I don't even remember when he kissed me the first time. I think it was in a dark bar that does not exist anymore, near the university hospital, I think. After classes we decided to go to this tiny hole in the wall bar near the university that had half price drinks on Tuesdays or something. And we chatted and chatted and then he was kissing me. I knew I was doomed the second he touched me.

We went out for months and it was fun. That I have to say. I felt so... alive? I was going through some issues at that time and he was like a drink of fresh water. I was completely out of my element and the sense of unbalance was exhilarating. It would prove to doom the relationship, too, but hey. And we did have sex. I was literally paralyzed when we were alone at last. I did not even know what to do. He took the initiative. Thank goodness because I was beyond help at that moment. And so I was dickmatized. For the duration of the.. affair? We were open, BTW. And that did not bother me. It's 'how he rolled', I was informed, during one of our conversations.

Then it was all over but the one thing that stayed was my taste for blogging. You see, at the beginning, we communicated through blog posts because he had a blog. So I created one and we exchanged posts. My handle was the same. The name of the blog changed after we broke up. That first blog's still up here. That blog is full of overwrought and earnest posts about what we felt and about things we shared. His plays, my penchant for making mix tapes for his hooptie, his family, everything. Very sophomoric and cathartic. But yeah, that's how I started blogging. His blog, like our relationship, didn't last. I think he moved on to other things, just like I did. 

So, The Day and the Time, the URL of this blog, is the title of a Shakira song. Why to love, and with such brutality? she sings. And looking back, that was our motto. Our relationship was mercurial and passionate and intense and I loved that. We took a leap in the dark and it worked for awhile. It was exhilarating, to say the least. I did not know what to expect and that was all the motivation I needed at that time. Desilusion takes what ilusion gives. What's the use of make believe? And he did give me life those months. I felt strangely detached of everyday things because I seemed to gain interest on things only when we were together. When he left me (because of course he did) it was not at all unexpected, though. I knew it was coming. We were too different and too similar at the same time. I think we need to be either similar or different to the men we love because otherwise the relationship can capsize very easily. 

Lo Imprescindible, the name of the blog, is another Shakira song. Una màquina de pensar en tí. Eso es lo que soy, lo que siempre fui. I was a machine that could only think about him. That's what I was. When he left (and I knew he was not going to come back, of course) I indulged in the most dramatic of the rebounds: it made me feel alive. Bleib', Baby, Bleib', Baby, Geh nie wieder weg. Even though I knew I did not need to wait for him to regain his senses and come back to me because we had exhausted the relationship, I liked the IDEA of him coming back. That waiting was for me essential at the time: Lo fatal, lo imprescindible es que vuelvas a mí. El dolor es sofocante, y ahora todo lo importante es que vuelvas a mí. The idea of him coming back meant he HAD been there. And that's what mattered to me.

That waiting period between breaking up with him and waiting to forget him was cathartic. Of course I have never forgotten about him. I know he got married and with his husband they managed a theater. I even ran into one pic of him and the hubby doing cyber and I sent it to our mutual friend. Yep, good all Ben was still at it. But I think at the time of the breakup I took control of my life again and many things started to change. That period signaled many changes at a personal and professional level and I am really not sorry about anything that went down. 

So that's the terribly schmaltz-y story of the name of this blog, Infidel. But as you pointed out, I guess it's as good as any other. And what does your blog title/handle mean, Constant Reader?


XOXO 


P.S. Shakira's lyrics in Spanish are very complex and she makes good use of figures of speech to convey feelings in a way that I have rarely found in any other singer. There's more to that girl than those hips, hunty.  

Comments

  1. Ah, but we all have that relationship in our past, don't we? The sweet and the bitter, and years later we wouldn't have it any other way. I married mine...and I regret it, but don't. It gave me the power to open up and be who I really was.
    The title on my blog changed recently. Healthy Man Parts is what my intent was all along: to keep people informed about what it meant to have a healthy, positive attitude about having balls and a dick. Big Whack Attack is what came to mind at first because someone had asked me why guys jack off All. The. Time. Oh, honey, for So. Many. Reasons. LOL. XOXO

    P.S. Now, we must have the story behind the tighty-whities. Truly, we must!

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    Replies
    1. Yes, Big. We all do.
      And you are right, I would not change anything. It was a learning experience, after all.
      And I like Big Whack Attack. If only cause I can call you Big, in truly Sex and the City style.
      The tighty-whities do deserve their own post, though. LOL

      XOXO

      Delete
  2. Obviously our past shapes us. It makes us who we are and though we sometimes wish the outcome was different, it’s really important to our development. Change one event and all that comes after changes.

    So though we may experience pain and heartache, it goes a long way to making us who we are. And I’m forever grateful for your past that brought you into my life. And even your penchant for mixtapes in the digital age. 😎

    XOXO 👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨

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    1. Huntley! You are so poetic.

      Delete
    2. I know, Jimmy. Isn't he?
      And yes, bae. I think everything happens for a reason. No regrets.
      And yep, I still make mixtapes...

      XOXO

      Delete
  3. Six, you are an older soul than me. I'm a bridge burner. It is very interesting to peek into the lives of others and view their takes of the world as they have experienced. I wish I was as good with words as Huntley.

    My title is me in two ways. One, my stage in life, and the other is my life style (I guess you could say). I am very blue collar, casual and somewhat bawdy. I have no appreciation for salad served as the last course of a dinner. In fact, I find it pretentious. *belches*

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    1. Oh, Jimmy.
      I have been known to burn a few bridges myself. This one was never tore down, though. I would say hi if we meet. I think his husband is cute, too.
      And you ARE good with words. You've got your own style. And we love bawdy and cannot take salad at the end of a dinner, either.

      XOXO

      Delete
  4. You've always been my man of mystery! And I feel like I'm really getting to know you. I too always wondered why your URL said that, and how you arrived at your blog title, and just what your avatar was. And now you answered them all. Now if we could see that bed!!!!

    Well I commented on blogs long before I had one. My good friend is the one to get me started. In the early days it was mostly men and drag queens. The Boy Toy was kept out of the blog for the most part, though he did do a post or two. You'd liked him. But slowly other interests rolled in, and people started to like it, so I kept going. I t was later then I started to open up on private things. And I still hold back on things...like really sordid details!!!!. The blog title came just from that, basically what I was up to, or some cotton candy in my head on a given day. I also like to look back as a dairy of sorts to see what I was doing. So I don't know what kind of blog I have now.... I guess my pov got muddled? But I also didn't want to burn everybody out on drag either. I have pleasant readers who enjoy and it's fun, so I keep going.

    I usually take a winter break from blogging... so this year I'd like to go back and read the early parts of blogs that I really enjoy. So don't surprised if comments shows up on really old post handsome.

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    Replies
    1. Oh, Maddie, we all hold back ***some*** things. We all like a bit of mystery! Hugs!

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    2. Ohhh so I was a riddle wrapped in a question? Sweet!
      Haha. Not really. I think I'm quite common.

      And it's funny how we get to the blogging experience: everybody has their own path. I know a ton of people who just comment/read (I see you, Lurkie) but that have really great ideas and are quite articulate.

      We all keep something for ourselves. It's healthy. I think your POV has actually expanded? It's A Day with the Mistress, after all. I love the variety and the personal touches (you and Bob inspired me to do the 'this is my house' series). Your blog is a riot. I love it.

      Re-reading old posts is really cool. I've done it a few times, just to see how much I've changed. I've surprised myself. A winter break is something that may happen with me, too. Posts may come few and in between between xmas and New Year's. Let's just see how it goes...

      And I will post a pic of the bed as soon as I find a willing photographer? LMAOOOOO

      XOXO

      Delete
  5. a very interesting story!
    my blog is clear: Men For Xersex. Hard to be clearer than that!
    Initially, however, I had inherited another blog from a French man who then left it to me entirely. After less than a year I suppressed "his" blog and started mine, keeping the French language. But even before that, I created my profile here solely to comment on other people's posts. This is why you see many more comments on blogs than I post on mine: I prefer to comment and see, rather than "create". It just happened to have a "legacy" blog.

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    1. Aww Thnx Xersex!
      And I did not know you'd started a collab (or legacy, as you have called it). That's super interesting. Did he ever say anything about it? Too cool.
      And yes, many people create identities to comment on blogs and then go on to do their own. I used to collab on Tumblr with someone. I took over the blog too, after awhile. I wonder if he's still posting there...

      XOXO

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    2. as far as I remember, the one from which I inherited it hasn't blogged or commented anymore. he just disappeared. If I remember correctly he had radically changed his life, leaving Europe.

      Delete
    3. Same with the gay who co-blogged with me on Tumblr.
      I have no idea if his blog is still up, especially after the cleanup that Tumblr suffered...

      XOXO

      Delete
  6. Very interesting.

    My blog started because I was very much in the closet. And I found I needed to breathe, but not ready to step outside those closet doors just yet. So I started as a process to come out. First to a virtual world, to get advice on how to navigate my life. One step at a time, if not opening the doors, at least "open a window" to let some light into that darkened room and let some air in...

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    Replies
    1. That's awesome.
      Blogging as catharsis? Fantastic. I think a whole generation of LGBTQ people has tested the waters online before actually coming out to themselves and others.
      I think for people questioning or forced in the closet , the web is a fantastic source of information and support.

      XOXO

      Delete
  7. Love the story that created the blog, and the name of the blog. You really capture that 'thing' about relationships, friendships, love, and endings.
    My blog title, too, is from a song by Patty Smyth called I Should Be Laughing. Melancholy and sweet.

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    1. Aww thnx Bob.
      It was an experience. And I love that your blog title also comes from a song! Patty Smyth? Very cool style. That's a pretty romantic song, too.

      XOXO

      Delete
  8. Certainly a unique blog name origin. It makes the blog a permanent monument to the memory of that relationship. I guess you must be very positive it will always be a pleasant memory, but if so, why not? It makes it very personal to you, as a blog should be.

    I'm not surprised that Shakira makes more fluent use of Spanish since she's from Colombia and Spanish must be her first language. I wonder if she uses French or Arabic as well since her father was Lebanese. I have only limited familiarity with her music.

    It would never have occurred to me to name my blog for an earlier relationship, though I never associated particular songs with any of them, and anything I came up with that way would have been rather cryptic. "Infidel" means "unbeliever", a reference to my atheism. "753" refers to my fascination with the Greco-Roman roots of Western civilization -- 753 BC is the traditional (though probably apocryphal) date of the founding of Rome.

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    Replies
    1. Now that you mention it, I think it's more a cautionary tale than a monument to the relationship. I should have known better (I wonder if he knows this blog exists, sometimes) and I think this blog IS a reminder of that.
      Shakira is quite the poet. Underneath the hip shakes and the mane, there's a very intelligent woman. I've heard her sing in German, Portuguese and French, besides English and Spanish. She also did Arabic in Ojos Así. She's worth a listen..
      And I like the name or your blog. I had no idea of the 753, though. Super cool.

      XOXO

      Delete
  9. Thanks for the insight. Interesting. Young love... always aflame. Everything is so black and white, so final. We live in edicts not moods. They were new then... these feelings. And we took them out and tried them all on... sometimes all at once. It led to disaster and resolve and ultimately to the place where we stand. Shifting sands beneath our feet. But still... we find our center eventually. And we stand and stare at the place where we once stood and wonder... would we do it all over again? Kizzes.

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    1. OMG absolutely, Upton
      It was DRAMA all the way through. Being in a relationship with someone who is so young is a wild ride, with hard curves and 180 turns all the way through. It was also fun and titillating. As I said before, a cautionary tale.
      We do find our center, thank goodness. I could not live that uncertainty ever again.

      XOXO

      Delete
  10. Oh, first love! So sweet and so painful, all at once.

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    1. Oh, it was quite the experience.
      He was so young and yet, such a player. I fell right in on step. Rolling in the deep from day one.

      XOXO

      Delete

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