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: a conception of oneself as other than one is to the extent that one's general behavior is conditioned or dominated by the conception
: domination by such an idealized, glamorized, glorified, or otherwise unreal conception of oneself that it results in dramatic personal conflict, in markedly unusual behavior, or in great achievement.

I usually have to rein myself in when it comes to the idea of romance that usually afflicts me. You see, through the years I have subjected myself to some pretty unrealistic concepts of love:  the time I thought he was 'the one' because I wanted him to be that. The time I thought  he was going to be the one I wanted to live with, only to discover I was wrong. The time I made him love me only to realize he was not the same man I once loved. The time I thought he was going to be forever, only to realize that it was for never more. And so on and so forth. Why do I always complicate my life so thoroughly when it comes to men? I know. Rhetorical question. 




I have come to realize that it's because in my head, 'romance' means something that is so utterly idealized, glamorized and glorified that it has somehow lost its meaning. And by meaning, I mean the meaning most people give it and that it seems more achievable than the blueprint I seem to have in my head. But the trouble I find with this notion is that I use sex as a spiritual exercise. Yep, just like Uncle Sigmund would have liked it. I blame my catholic upbringing. Sex could be the glue that holds everything together, but what happens after you both cum? What about the actual relationship? Physical attraction is usually my downfall.




My mistake -silly, irrational, inexcusable- may be that every time I fall for a guy I think he's going to be the 'right' one. And that may be my undoing. What I need to take into account is that everything may not be all right after I find him. Doesn't that sound more rational, nore adult, more.. achievable? Falling for a guy is easy. Staying with him... well, that's what requires gumption. And gall.  I may have to think of relationships as one would think about driving: the ignition may work, but where are we going? No sudden breaking. Especially when it has rained or even worse, snowed. Not trying a stick shift. I don't know how to work those speeds. I always forget the clutch and then I unwaveringly stall. 

Oh, and all of this just because I've been listening to that Olivia Rodrigo song. Yeah, it's everywhere. Yeah, she sounds like Billie Eillish via Everything but The Girl. Yeah, I didn't know there was a series about the High School Musical. But the song struck a chord. The things music brings to my mind. You'd think I should know better by now.

XOXO



Comments

  1. romance is an idealization of something that can exist, at best, in the first year of a relationship. Then it vanishes even in the best of relationships. Unfortunately, love is eternal as long as it lasts. We should keep it in our mind, both in sad moments and in peaceful and happy ones. The human being is not meant to couple - whatever sense this coupling makes - with just one person.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And I think that's a mistake I make: I think that romance should last longer. Maybe I'm just not reasonable. LOL
      And I do agree that many people are not meant to be monogamous. That's true.

      XOXO

      Delete
    2. only few people are naturaliter monogamous!

      Delete
    3. I agree with you.
      Monogamy is a story being sold to promote heartache.

      XOXO

      Delete
  2. When we start a relationship it’s all through rose colored glasses. We see what we want to see, reality be damned. Then the sheen of emotions and our libido dulls and what are we left with? If we’re lucky (or we get struck by lightning) we have found someone we really click with, someone who makes us whole, or close to it. Someone who enriches our life, and who we really enjoy spending time with outside the bedroom.

    I found him once, but life is complicated and the stars didn’t align.

    XOXO 👨‍❤️‍đź’‹‍👨

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know!
      But I think that there should be something left from that first spark? When we really click, I mean. Yeah, sex is good and all that, but as I said, when there's more than just that??
      There must be a middle ground, I'm sure.

      XOXO

      Delete
  3. Relationships are nice and easy at the start, but then real life enters into it and things change; I know this for a fact because Carlos and I have having "one of these times" right now. Butt hat's life; you deal with it, fix it, change it, work on it, because it's worth fixing. But, sometimes it's not, and that's when you have to be strong enough to walk away.
    Not easy choices.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes.
      Real life. It can deliver a blow to most any idyllic situation. But then the goal would be to deal with 'one of these times', right? I think that's where people fail.
      Choices...

      XOXO

      Delete
  4. Romance is never what you imagine, and forever is a long, long time. Happiness is what's important. Unfortunately, some confuse happiness with romance. They are 2 different things.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh absolutely.
      And the idea we have of romance may not be what the other considers romantic, no? And I think you're right: people mistake happiness with romance. Happiness is just a series of moments. Not a state.

      XOXO

      Delete
  5. That's the power of music, isn't ? And Catholicism. Get them while their young....it sticks with you. Our mistake is believing that we're not worthy of love. We fear not having it so much we go to great lengths to bring it into our lives. Too great. It costs us our self-esteem. And what we end up with? That's not love. I envy those who allow love to come to them. They wait... and it always finds them. Maybe we (former catholics) are wired differently. I think about how all my life I have felt unworthy. How that sits at the core of my being, coloring and destroying everything in my life. As for relationships? Those have very little to do with romance. Initially maybe, but later, after the fire has mellowed? It's nuts and bolts and who does the dishes and who cleans the house and are you there when I need you and do you claim me as yours? It becomes something based on common sense... treat others as you would like to be treated. You want love? Then love. Kizzes. I adore you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, music always affects me...
      And catholicism is fucked up. I think all religious upbringings mess us up in one way or another, to be honest. And I'm like you: I envy those who allow love to come to them. I'm too impatient, I guess. I may force some things that should not be forced.
      I don't mind the nuts and blots and who does the dishes, to tell you the truth, I wish common sense would visit me more often.
      Oh, I heart ya too, Upton. I heart ya too...

      XOXO

      Delete
  6. Attraction and infatuation are easy. Relationships are hard. That sucks, but it's true.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know!
      And I'm willing to 'work with it' as people say, but darn!
      It should not be THAT hard...

      XOXO

      Delete
  7. Huntley brought a tear to my eye.

    Only been in luv three times. The first two were the same type of person. The third, I'm still with. We started the relationship with the idea that if you don't want to be here, then leave. Just don't fuck around behind each others back. To this day, he wakes me each morning with a cup of coffee and a kiss.
    Sadly, I'm stuck with the dishes. lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, Jimmy!
      And I think you started that relationship by setting expectations and creating boundaries that have allowed you to stay together. That, and affection. The idea of coffee and a kiss sounds fantastic!
      I would not mind the dishes. At all.

      XOXO

      Delete
  8. Huh... My parents had been married for 69 years when my dad died. My mom said he was always very romantic. Hard to believe of someone who beat the shit out of his sons, right? But, my own experience tells me that we often fall victim to what I call the Cinderella Syndrome; that happily-ever-after thing. But, that takes work, perseverance, and the realization that "In love" **should** turn to simply "love." The sex cools off, life gets in the way. One thing my wife and I agree on is we never say anything in anger. Sure we get pissed off, but the words are held until comportment sets in. The other thing: We started on Day 1, if you don't want to be here, if you're not happy, walk away; no hard feelings, no crying, no bullshit. Just state it and go. September will be out 35th anniversary. XOXO

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, I could believe that.
      Some people have sides we never see. And the Cinderella Syndrome! Yes! Big, that's so true!
      The cooling off of sex and the intrusion of life should not get in the way of our affection for that man/ person. I think you and Jimmy have set the stage right. Basing a relationship on realistic goals and honesty sounds fantastic.
      And thirty five years! Whoa.

      XOXO

      Delete

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