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: a conception of oneself as other than one is to the extent that one's general behavior is conditioned or dominated by the conception

: domination by such an idealized, glamorized, glorified, or otherwise unreal conception of oneself that it results in dramatic personal conflict, in markedly unusual behavior, or in great achievement.

I usually have to rein myself in when it comes to the idea of romance that usually afflicts me. You see, through the years I have subjected myself to some pretty unrealistic concepts of love:  the time I thought he was 'the one' because I wanted him to be that. The time I thought  he was going to be the one I wanted to live with, only to discover I was wrong. The time I made him love me only to realize he was not the same man I once loved. The time I thought he was going to be forever, only to realize that it was for never more. And so on and so forth. Why do I always complicate my life so thoroughly when it comes to men? I know. Rhetorical question. 

I have come to realize that it's because in my head, 'romance' means something that is so utterly idealized, glamorized and glorified that it has somehow lost its meaning. And by meaning, I mean the meaning most people give it and that it seems more achievable than the blueprint I seem to have in my head. But the trouble I find with this notion is that I use sex as a spiritual exercise. Yep, just like Uncle Sigmund would have liked it. I blame my catholic upbringing. Sex could be the glue that holds everything together, but what happens after you both cum? What about the actual relationship? Physical attraction is usually my downfall.

My mistake -silly, irrational, inexcusable- may be that every time I fall for a guy I think he's going to be the 'right' one. And that may be my undoing. What I need to take into account is that everything may not be all right after I find him. Doesn't that sound more rational, nore adult, more.. achievable? Falling for a guy is easy. Staying with him... well, that's what requires gumption. And gall.  I may have to think of relationships as one would think about driving: the ignition may work, but where are we going? No sudden breaking. Especially when it has rained or even worse, snowed. Not trying a stick shift. I don't know how to work those speeds. I always forget the clutch and then I unwaveringly stall. 

Oh, and all of this just because I've been listening to that Olivia Rodrigo song. Yeah, it's everywhere. Yeah, she sounds like Billie Eillish via Everything but The Girl. Yeah, I didn't know there was a series about the High School Musical. But the song struck a chord. The things music brings to my mind. You'd think I should know better by now.

XOXO