if you can't fix it...

I still remember when I saw Brokeback Mountain for the first time. Nine of us went to the Cedar Lee theaters in Cleveland to see it. Back then, we had a tight, fun group of friends and we were all waiting for the movie to come out with literally bated breath. There was a huge buzz among my friends about this little movie that had a gay love story at its core. The Cedar Lee theaters  is an old-fashioned mini-multiplex that shows art movies in Cleveland. It's a quaint, small place that usually shows little gems that you cannot see anywhere else. 

We were a little taken back when we got there because we thought this little movie was going to be just a blip in people's radars but there was a long line at the theater. They always had some little-known European films and art house documentaries there and we figured some Oscar-worthy movie was showing. To our surprise it was our little movie the one that had the long line of people getting ready to go in. The theater was packed. There were people sitting everywhere and some were standing. I had never seen anything like that at the Cedar Lee. The thing is, the Cedar Lee does not have 500-seat stadium seating. These are little arthouse theaters that accommodate what, 100 people or less? It was a shock. It was still packed when we went back for a second viewing three weeks later. 

So we got out tickets and went in. The impact of watching two men fall in love in the big screen for the first time was something I was really not ready to witness. Neither were some of my friends, who were older than me. Representation, am I right? People today take so many things for granted, that movies like this kind of get shuffled in the streaming services without a second thought. It's been what, sixteen years? But I still bawl cry get emotional when I see it.  I can't help it. 

Some people think it's just one more tragic gay love story, but they kind of forget when it came out. It was pre-gay marriage, pre-all-gay-all-the-time Logo. Pre-many things that today are commonplace. It was also the first time that I had seen a full-length movie explore a gay relationship in such detail, with such care and attention to the characters. Even though the word 'gay' is never mentioned in the film and the men may appear to be bisexual, it's clear to me that this is a gay love story. They are only themselves when they're together. People forget that the movie starts in the sixties, when gay relationships (especially in Wyoming and Texas!) were not accepted and could -and can still- mean death. 

But it's not only the passion and sexual tension that is almost palpable during the movie what gets to me. It's not only the idea of many men being constrained by societal norms and heteronormativity.  It's also the intense secretiveness of the twenty-year long affair that makes me cry every time I watch it. You see, I've dated Ennis. I've been Jack. I have been kept a secret. I guess movies all affect us in different ways, but Brokeback Mountain always leaves me with a weird feeling of longing. Not for what I've done. But for what I didn't do. That last scene with the shirts always breaks me. Always. And I wonder: what if...?

Shit, I'm a mess today. I should know better than to watch Brokeback Mountain in the middle of the week.

XOXO