SNIFFIES

November 11, 2021

SNIFFIES

Ok, so I have a question for you, and here I'm taking a page off Big's book: how would you feel if your partner/boyfriend /lover/ longtime buddy/ whatever you call him suddenly seemed to have a cruising app on his phone desktop? I was having this convo with someone and my answer was: What else does he know? Is the relationship ok? I need more info!

It would be easy to jump to conclusions, right? So here's the tea:

The couple has ben in a relationship for about eight years. They are similar in age and social status.
Relationship has never been officially closed (or open?) so there's really not ground rules about fidelity or perceived infidelity. (??)
They did meet on a hookup app, but they officially deleted THAT app after some months in the relationship.
The relationship seems to be good. No big fights, they get along well, seem happy, the whole nine yards.
They don't live together. Each has his own house but they do spend their free time together.
There seems to be some trouble in paradise in what concerns sex, but I don't know the tea. Libido differences, I infer. The one with the app is the one with the apparent lower sex drive (??).
They have been very careful during the pandemic. They don't socialize much. Both vaccinated but no clubs or bars. Basically homebodies and/or hanging out with vaccinated friends.
The finding out about the app was total accident: one was asking the other about updates on the phone and the app just popped up. Oops, right? The one with the app kind of tried to cover the app, so he knew it was there.
There has been no clear sign of the one guy going astray, things like new clothes, shady conversations or weird new schedules. Their routine has stayed the same (??)
No mention of the app found in the phone has been made. No blowout, no fight. The one with the app was a little nervous after the snafu, but now it seems that things are back to 'normal'.

So, what are your thoughts? I said I needed more info but I'm still kind of stumped. I think I need your input.

XOXO

Comments

Xersex11/11/2021
The only way out of this hurricane of assumptions is to definitively clarify and keep the couple officially open sexually.
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Dave R11/11/2021
Honestly, that isn't even close to being on my radar.
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Debra She Who Seeks11/11/2021
The only solution is to honestly and openly communicate about the app and what it means (if anything) for the relationship. There is no substitute for direct communication.
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Bob11/11/2021
I am all about honesty. If you want to cruise a dating app, a hookup app and come on to my house and fuck me app, be honest with your boyfriend, partner, spouse.
As long as both people, or all three or four in a thruple or fourple, agree, then no one gets hurt.
Again, as long as everyone is honest.
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whkattk11/11/2021
Gosh... If you're playing mediator, it's easy. You've talked to the non-app, who is concerned, right? Now you take the app dude aside and have an open conversation - with promises to NOT go behind his back to spill the beans. You explain non-app is wondering why because everything **appears** to be fine between them. Maybe app-dude just likes scrolling through the photos. Nothing wrong with that, right? I mean, don't we all? You listen, you gather info and understanding - without judgement. Then you counsel him to come clean with non-app about his needs. Communication is always the key to a relationship. XOXO

P.S. You should go ahead and post that video. The point is to spread it far and wide! XOXO
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Mr. Shife11/11/2021
I don't think I am going to be much help, Sixpence. My blog is called Confessions of a dumb, white guy for a reason. I hope you find some clarity in the comments. Good luck.
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Alibaba11/11/2021
I use the app. I'm not partnered or dating, in fact I'm totally single and closeted. But I thought it might be helpful to mention why I use it. My account has no photo, no profile info. But it shows me where men may be gathering for cruising purposes. I get a thrill just knowing that men are seeking sexual encounters, and sometimes I stop in there to observe the process. Often I will finish myself at home without any physical contact at the cruising site. So I think any judgment should be withheld. There could be fairly innocent reasons for having/using the app. Of course as others have well-noted, good communication is important.
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HuntleyBiGuy11/11/2021
Back in the day, people used to use some of the dating apps just to chat, no intention of ever meeting. I’ve not heard of this app, but it does sound intriguing, things have come a long way. Since they both seem to know the app is there, I think a conversation is in order.

XOXO 👨🏼‍❤️‍💋‍👨🏽
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uptonking11/11/2021
The Boyfriend knows everything on my phone and (almost) everything I do. Open is the way to go. Just put it out there. If it don't sail? Reevaluate your priorities. I don't think monogamy works... period. Think of all the time and energy we could save the world if people committed to one another but remained a separate being. One of the hardest things about breaking up with The Ex was that our names were linked to one another in everybody's heads. We'd become a 'one.' I just think we'd all be better off without divorce. Dial back the expectations. Let people be who they need to be. Okay... now! I have huge issues with apps like this. The po po get on there and they track you and entrap you. Remember Squirt!? Yes, it still exists. But it was the worse thing to happen to cruising places since HIV (and that is saying a lot.) So, no... this is a bad idea. The best cruising spots are secrets you keep and only share with others of your kind. I suspect that this app is going to destroy what little natural habitat we cruisers still have. Bummer. Kizzes.
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