What We Make

One of the things that I keep hearing is that many heterosexual millennials (and some genXers and genZers) do not get that porn really is not a manual or instruction book (this Ted Talk you watched is from 2009!). And understanding porn is something we have to really have clear when we have sex with the person we like/love/want/fuck. As Cindy Gallop  mentioned, porn seem to have taken on the role of teaching sex education to people and that has shifted people's perception of what sex can be. As recently as 2021, Billie Eillish (who was born after the new Millenium started) has talked about how porn totally misled her about sex and how having watched it at an early age twisted the idea she had of sex.

As as consumer of porn, I do understand how our priorities could get switched by what we watch. But I did not know that straight people would have such a strong opinion about what porn has done to some. I’m not a gold star gay but my knowledge of heterosexual nookie is nebulous at best. Here's what Infidel was writing about what he sees as the influence of porn on heterosexuals:

This suggests, though, that American society is splitting into sexual haves and have-nots -- a "privileged" class engaged in healthy sexuality within stable monogamous relationships based on strong emotional commitment, vs the deprived who exist in a chaos of shallow transient hook-ups, "kink", and anonymous encounters, disdaining those who live stable lives ("lame" and "boring"), and eventually sinking deeper and deeper into a morass of ever-weirder perversions in pursuit of the inchoate something that they know, deep down, is missing -- never realizing that their way of life is dragging them inexorably further and further away from it.  I don't even want to think about what their old age will be like.

It took me a second to digest this part; the post is longer and it touches on several points, but I think this was the part that most stuck out for me, given that my knowledge about heterosexual sexual relationships is somehow limited, but this somehow did not fit with what I have read and observed. First, I don't really think that monogamy must be the only alternative for heterosexual relationships (even though it is the preferred relationship status for many straight couples), I know how the notion of monogamy has destroyed many a straight relationship that could indeed have benefitted from another approach.  I also think that non-monogamous or monogamish relationships can be as strong as monogamous ones. I think my views on monogamy for straight couples changed after I read Sex at Dawn by Ryan and Jethá. I have known for many years that monogamy is not the rule for many same sex couples or for polyamorous people but for years I thought that it was the only option for heterosexual couples. I know, shocking.

Second, I don't really think that straight people who have hookups are deprived or unable to make deep connections.  I don't think that about gay people either, and gay people have had hookups and anonymous encounters because of the way society viewed us for years and years (I've known gay men who have had anonymous sex since they were in their twenties and are now in their sixties and are perfectly balanced individuals in other aspects of their lives). Conversely, I don't think that LGBTQ couples who decide to be monogamous are lame or boring. Monogamy really works for some people who decide to make that commitment. I don't think that straight people who enjoy hooking up or enjoy kinks are chaotic, either (it shook me to think that Infidel put anal into the 'kink' category for straight people but that would require a whole post in itself!) or that straight people are looking for weird perversions and are constantly missing something in their lives because they explore their sexuality. As a matter of fact, until recently I was convinced that Gen Zrs were having even less sex than previous generations! The more you know, right?

I do think that as both Gallop and Infidel mention, porn has indeed taken the place of sex education for many people in many cases but I think that it's because people do not get a healthy, structured sex education foundation. There is a push for abstinence-only education in this country that comes from the religulous that has gutted sex ed in many places. There are no frank conversations about sex from parents (that seem ashamed of anything related to sex) or from educators (who fear they'll be sued into oblivion if they talk about it), so people go for the next best thing: porn. Especially now that everybody carries a computer in their hand at all times and porn is readily available online. And I think that it is this alternative what has somehow shifted the conversation. Cindy Gallop is right: porn is not a guide. But that's something that needs to be changed through conversations and trough education. There's still a stigma attached to anything 'sexual' and the notion that there should be one and only one way to approach sex and sexual activity. It seems to me that society needs a deeper, healthier, more nuanced approach to sexuality (both heterosexual and non-heterosexual). I'm sure it cannot be a black/white, good/bad kind of issue. Sexuality is way too complex and complicated to be circumscribed to that binary.

XOXO