If I were a movie...

 

I stole this idea from Upton because of course I did. So what if I were a movie? Oh, honey. The thing is, I don't really even have to use too much imagination. Here's the deets:

1/ What genre? Drama? Comedy? Horror? A Porno? Other?

Even though I secretly wanted it to be one of those prestige period pieces, I think instead it'd be one of those sci-fi sagas with a message. One, because sci-fi is one of my favorite genres and because it uses actual science to create a world in which everything seems plausible among incredible, otherworldly beauty. Two, because sci-fi movies are sometimes very close to the truth. Also, because I tend to be preachy but I'm almost pretty, natch.

2/ Who's directing?

Spielberg. I like his even-handed approach to movie making. He's creative, has crazy ideas and seems approachable. He's got all the money in the world, so whichever movie he makes, he makes cause he wants. And he can edit. And I could use that because I need to be proofread because I can get mouthy. But you already knew that.

3/ Where does it take place?

It takes place in some far away planet because I think we're going to fuck this one up in such a terrible way that all those dystopian novels and movies are gonna look like kid's play. I am convinced that people are gonna let this planet die a slow, painful death. I don't have children and never will, so I should not care about what happens after my life is over, but yet I do. I don't think it's fair to wreck the planet because we can in the name of consumerism. Really. Humans are the worst.

4/ Who plays you?

Oscar Isaac. Hey, if I'm gonna go full fantasy, why the hell not a hot man? I think he literally smolders and I really enjoy his acting.  And if I were him, I'd do me. I'd let him hit it hard. Is the whole 'if you don't love yourself...' thing. Love starts at home, honey.

5/ Who plays your love interest?

Idris Elba. Need I say more? Look: my hands are shaking a little bit just thinking about it...

6/ Who plays your sidekicks/family members/friends?

Neil Patrick Harris and his husband play my sidekicks. High shenanigans ensue. Most possibly a threesome, cause you know they're freaky. Me likey.

7/ Who plays the villain?

The villain is gonna be Harvey Fierstein in high Drag. It's my movie and I'll Drag it if I want to. Also, how fun would that be? Bitch would chew the scenery every time she's on screen and the malevolence will be over the top and campy. Need I say more?

8/ Pick a 'Love Theme' and a 'Main Theme.'

Both would be variations of Baroque music. Kind of a mashup of Vivaldi and Bach. It would go with the overall mood of the movie and the overarching theme of the slightly soap-opera-ish carousel that  is my life: a little bit complicated and a little bit operatic. Yeah, that's right. There's layers there. Don't let the smooth taste fool you...

9/ What other songs appear on the soundtrack?

The soundtrack would be a mixtape affair à la Guardians of the Galaxy because I'll carry around some kind of XXI century device in which I play my music while I cavort around with Idris and NPH. Incidental, yet fun. Slice of life affair and all that jazz.

The playlist would include Sam Smith, Orville Peck, Rina Sawayama, Years and Years, Omar Apollo, Hayley Kiyoko, Billie Eillish, Anhoni,  Big Freedia, Jackie Shane, Me'shell Ndegeocello and Sophie. Yes. 

10/ Does it have a happy ending? Tell us about it.

Duh. Of course it has a happy ending! I end up with my man and we ride our rocket into orbit on to the next adventure. I'm a fucking romantic at heart, even though I try to appear slightly cynical and a little bit blasé. I like romance. I like big gestures and I want the boombox over his head while he stands in my driveway and the whole nine yards. Why the fuck not? Queer men deserve romance. 

So that's all, folks! That's my life as a movie. Hope the popcorn was ok.

Now, if you were to recommend a movie, what must I watch? Go ahead, I've got my pencil and notepad and three streaming services ready...

XOXO