Memory Lane

 

I never thought I would get as engrossed in Colton Haynes’s memoir as I was. The thing is, even though our realities cannot be more different (he's been a model and actor and has been in movies and series -Teen Wolf, The Flash, American Horror Story- and had a different upbringing...) there were many things I related to and I could not put the book down.

Like him, I wanted to leave my hometown from a very early age (I left when I was sixteen) and started having sex very early (fourteen) with much older guys. They never 'groomed' me, mind you. Some of them, I basically seduced, just like Colton did. Some men have always had an unfailing radar to find me. The only problem is that I, like Colton relied on being cute to get the men and things I wanted when I was younger. That was not good.

I did not have to go through the things he had to (I did not work in entertainment or have ever been that good looking) but I did break some people's hearts along the way and that, I regret. I, like Colton, was Mama's boy, but my relationship with my mother was not as dysfunctional. My mum understood me like very few people did or has. And just Iike Colton, I look like my mom and share some of her character traits. 

It was a very interesting read, especially because he pulls no punches in painting himself in a corner and then explaining how and why is it that he fucked up. It takes courage to recognize that one has fucked up and reflect on our lives and times and for that, I give him Kudos.

"Maybe you’re thinking, So what? Boo-hoo. What did I expect — to be handed a satisfying career because of the way I looked? Now I can see I was foolish to think making it would be easy or fun. The thing that made me valuable in private — my conspicuously gay sexuality — was a liability as I tried to make my way through the industry. This was in an era when casual homophobia was still a regular punch line on TV sitcoms."

@VULTURE

This excerpt appeared on New York Magazine and it was one of the things that made me get the book. I found it interesting and relevant, so I got it from my trusty public library, where I'm getting a book every two weeks. It's been fantastic, going back to read this summer. I hope I can keep it up. With work and life I sometimes forget how good it is to lose ourselves in a fun book.

"I signed with a new team, but the rules were the same. It considered the XY photo shoot I had done so radioactive it had lawyers send cease-and-desist letters to anyone who posted the images online. When I was photographed cozying up with Lauren Conrad at an event in 2011, I was told not to deny our rumored relationship — better to have the tabloids speculate about us. (She must have known I was gay, but we never spoke about it.) At a photo shoot for a fashion editorial, the XY pictures were up on the mood board. A member of my team threw a fit. I understood because it was explained to me repeatedly — by managers, agents, publicists, executives, producers — that the only thing standing between me and the career I wanted was that I was gay. It was like this for my best years of work, throughout the early 2010s, as I built a career on young-adult shows like MTV’s Teen Wolf and the CW superhero series Arrow. It’s not just straight people who are the gatekeepers — the call often comes from inside the house. I’m eternally grateful to the handful of gay men who created opportunities for me: Jeff Davis, Greg Berlanti, and Ryan Murphy. They were the exception, not the rule."

@VULTURE

Internalized homophobia is a cancer. It eats people from the inside and it makes them be the worst they can be. Self-hating, closeted faggots condemn themselves to lead a miserable existence. Bitter, fearful and thoroughly unhappy, they make their own lives and other people's lives (usually out gay men without their baggage) literal hell. I pity and despise them in almost equal amounts. When Colton came out of the closet and then published that picture from XY (I remember that magazine!!!) on his Instagram, an exorcism was in progress. He was getting rid of self-hatred and the power other people had over him. 

For such a handsome man, Colton shows depth, understanding and reflexion. Not always something you expect to find in beautiful people, to tell you the truth. I can imagine how difficult could have been for him to rehash his past, address his addiction and recognize what and who he did wrong. It takes gumption. And that makes the book worth a read. So if you have kept your Public Library card updated, make sure you take this book out and read it. It's easy reading. I was done in three days just by reading a little before bed each night. And I'm telling you, it feels like a friend and you are having a ki-ki. 

Totes recommend.

XOXO

@COLTONHAYNES