The discreet HARM of the bourgeoisie
Maybe it's human nature to be en garde. Something about caring for oneself. But I've found that this talking about so many things is very liberating. Funny, isn't it? That opening up about your dark and dirty little thoughts would make you free. I think that I've become way too burgeois for my own good. There's a battle inside of me, I guess: the conformist and the all-time rebel are going at it because that balance is hard to reach. I imagine that there are parts of my personality that really don't feel like comforming and submitting to some things I see are symbols of an oppressive, bourgeois, white patriarchy and a part of me that thiks that it cannot be all that bad. Mostly at my age, when most people have already been made or are broken by the establishment. Being a student I think keeps me in a 'young' frame of mind but at the same time it does not let me comform, something that most people my age have done already a long time ago. I keep questioning, I keep bitching, I keep fighting for the right to be me. Maybe it's time to look back and within and see where the compromise lays.
I think that that bourgeois view is what fucks up our sex life. Why shouldn't we be able to have a healthy, horny, satisfactory sex life with the man we love? It's all left then for the hot porn models? Fuck that. I don't need him to be perfect. I don't think it would be fair because I'm not perfect. So what if we have ups and downs and times when I don't want to do anything and times when you don't want to do anything? Does that mean we love each other less? I don't think so. Our struggling to 'live' together with all that conveys (the mortgage, utilities, the house, the social life, blah, blah, blah) sometimes takes over the most important thing: us as human beings. Us, with needs, and fears and desires and weaknesses and assets.
This whole thing about trying to find your 'niche' in society is a burden that cripples the human, loving part of ourselves. And that's I guess, one of the elements in my inner struggle. I don't want to stop being human, making mistakes, fucking it up, enjoying myself, loving you to focus on everything that is 'expected'. I can do both without disregarding one or the other. I want a man who is my man in the living room, in the garden, in the bedroom. We start living in the first floor of our house for awhile. We stay in the kitchen, the living room, the sunroom and the garden. We stopped going to the bedroom and the office. The sex part of our lives is relegated at the same time that our intellectual communication diminishes. Isn't that funny? We can not stop talking about all kind of shit when we met. And then it all became the bills, the grocery shopping, the getting the job done. Not that I'm against domesticity or more conventional domesticity arrangements. I know it sounds very Marxist Lenininst, very 'leftist', but it's what I think.
Not that we should lose sight of where we want to be in the future or how we're going to get there, but that we should remember that we are human and we need each other. In every way.
You see, I think I have never talked to you about these things before. Have I? I think our communication channels have been clogged up with too much shit from outside. I think we need to dedicate ourselves mainly to the most important thing in our lives: us.