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I do not want what I haven't got.

Oh, man.
I have previously written here about Harlow Cuadra, the young porn star who was accused of killing (along with his lover and business partner) a porn impresario. Now the very delectable Cuadra has been found guilty of killing said porn producer. How sad can that be? After his ex-lover pleaded guilty and is going for life in prison, Cuadra may end up walking the green mile. Tragic. I think that it has been even sadder because he projects this image of freshly-scrubbed youth. I also wonder if the fact that he is gay and did gay porn influenced the jury. Not like they would overlook that, don't you think.

But most of all, I think it's such a waste. Such a total waste of a human being, that apparently lead by greed and envy, killed somebody, dragged his life and his lover's through the seedy underbelly of crime, came up for air and the system has decided to submerge him forever in the depths of hell on earth: life sentence in jail while being gay. Because such a beautiful man will be torn to pieces by the prison system: a gay convicted killer, handsome and probably easy prey to the monsters that inhabit the merciless depths of those prisons. Because it's not always porn-movie hot when somebody rapes you in jail. Those are men without a conscience, the ones you find behind bars for life. Those are men without anything to lose and everything to be angry and bitter about. I cannot even imagine what Cuadra's life will be once he gets in prison. All that beauty going to waste. Like a beautiful fruit left at the mercy of the elements. Gosh, it should be terrible to have had it 'all' (money, sex, adulation, admiration, youth, beauty) and then see it all going to hell just because what they had was not enough. Because I think that Cuadra and his lover killed the porn producer out of greed: they wanted to expand their homemade porn business and the guy was in the way. So they offed him. Sad.

Now Cuadra will go to jail. That beautiful body, that perfect dick, that electrifying screen presence will be enclosed in four walls. It'll be admired only by the bottom feeders in prison. Hopefully, he'll find someone who will take care of him, someone who will protect him while his beauty lasts and the novelty of having him is alive. Then he will probably go mad with grief or will become a victimizer himself. That is, if he does not get infected with HIV or gets killed by some psycho. Not different from the fate that probably awaited him in the gay porn industry, where beautiful men are used and replaced at the speed of light.

Why is it that we are never happy with what we have? Why is it that the fucking grass is always greener on the other side? Why is it that we do not count our blessings and are thankful with what we have and always want more, more, MORE? Is it human nature? Is it socially constructed and ingrained in our minds that we have to always own more, have more, want more? Never sated, never happy. Always looking for that 'extra something'? Why is it that we always want something that can be shinier than what we already have? More expensive? Younger? More beautiful? Harder? Bigger? Better?

I think we need to learn to enjoy what we have and live more for the present, while looking at the future as something that could be improved upon but not something that must be multiplied by a million and become unattainable and a source of frustration. We need to learn to live with what we need and not despair over materialistic minutia that on the long run only gives momentary satisfaction and leaves us with a bittersweet taste in our mouth. Always wanting more, never getting 'it' to our heart's content. Because you know that the more you have, the more you want and the less happy getting whatever you covet is gonna make you.

But maybe that is some people's destiny: to never be sated, to never have enough. Totally sad. I hope I'm not one of them.

UPDATE: Cuadra has been convicted to life in prison. At least he was spared the death penalty. Sad, tragic development in such a young life...


  1. Excelente post, me encantó la manera como lograste convertir una reflexión personal en un cuestionamiento universal, en particular porque al principio lo único que mostraste fue lo mucho que te gustaba el chico, pero luego construiste una estructura completísima de las implicaciones de sus actos. Me quito el sombrero.

    Y sobre la historia, habrá que seguirle la pista, aunque sòlo termine confirmando todas y cada una de tus ideas.

    Un abrazote.


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