on how life is (and has been)

It's been forever since I've been in blogger. Time now passes for me in a very different way and my thought process has become convoluted and erratic. Now I think in images and isolated words and in a quick-fire progression that does not let me dwell on things that would set me off. I guess I am not the same person who used to write here about his love life and about things that happened to him that were slightly funny or weird or just simply occurrences.
Now my every day life is somehow in a state of suspended animation. I don't fell complete, I don't feel like I belong and I don't even feel the need to share my thoughts and initiate some kind of catharsis to see if part of my 'old life' comes back. Nope, no desire whatsoever of dwell in thoughts that are sometimes alien and sometimes dark. And sometimes just so plainly non-sequitur that they baffle even me.

You see, right now I live a life that's borrowed. I'm buying time and that's all I have. I'm buying time in a job that means little or very little to me. In a house that is not mine with people that love me but who are somehow distant. I'm buying time paid in small amounts of hours spent living the life I once had and that now seems to just appear once in a while, every two or three weeks around the corners of the interstate. Fleeting, uncompromising, greedy and scratching at the eyes of destiny.

I should not complain, though. It's the life I created, it's the life that came to be. I am one of those people who believe things happen because they have to happen. It's not fatalism, it's more a doomed practicality that has become my philosophy after years of coming and going around this world. I think that everything we do has some kind of repercussion in our lives. Every little movement and action. Every word that leaves my lips, every movement my hand makes.

So I have to live with it. Even though sometimes there's a fog that just does not let me be. Even if sometimes just opening my eyes seems to take all the effort of the morning and it leaves me exhausted.