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“‘Girly‘ is a very literal song. I wrote it upon hearing critique that my ideas weren’t going to work because of their feminine nature, I was told that I would do better in the industry by playing up my masculinity,” John said in a statement about the song. “I found these words to be insulting to my creative mind and to femininity in general. Being girly, or being a girl for that matter, is nothing to be ashamed of. The video was created from those same frustrations. While paying homage to some of my greatest female influences, I wanted to highlight the sexualization of female performers and how absurd it looks to simply replace the ingenue with a hairy man.”
Oh, you know what it is.
It's the never ending request you find in your favorite hookup apps. But what is it about, really? I agree with Alonso Sanchez who more or less says that for some, being gay is everything but being feminine. Being feminine or effeminate is the no-no zone. The boogieman. The boner killer.  the ultimate sin that many gay men recoil at committing. Even though they are more than willing to commit every other sin imaginable.

Masc 4 masc is in my book the most glaring sign of a festering internalized homophobia. A wink to misogyny. Not only because it negates the access to camp -that almost lost art- but also because it negates the possibility of exploring a part of ourselves that relies on characteristics that are seen as feminine: vulnerability, gentleness, empathy. We all know the idea of the feminine is socially constructed and has changed throughout history and nevertheless, many gay men refuse to acknowledge that showing such characteristics is not a negation of masculinity. Being gay does not mean being feminine just because we like cock. Being penetrated by another male does not make us female. Being vulnerable when we have sex does not imply meekness.

But there's still that fear of appearing 'weak' or 'sensitive' in so many gay men that leads them to consider that being anything less that the Marlboro Man -and demanding that in whomever is fucking them- is an unforgivable sin that is punished with an absolute denial of sex. I have often heard the 'if I wanted a girl, I'd date a woman'. Even the most feminine guy still has a dick. The fact that a man would wear skinny jeans does not obliterate his penis. If anything, it puts it on display. But still, some gay men recoil at the idea of fucking a man who is not a Tom of Finland drawing come to life, even if when push comes to shove, there's no dice and no rice. Appearing to be masculine is their badge of honor. Hence the disclaimer in so many hookup apps, in which 'no fems, no fats' joins the chorus of the racism of 'no Asians, no Blacks'.

Why are gay men so restrictive? Why do they, in the search for sex, -the most freeing activity ever pursued- limit themselves to such extremes? Isn't the crippling weight of racism enough that they have to add internalized homophobia to what should be a manifesto of sexual freedom? I can only talk from the corner of my cultural experience, that cosmology that allows me to see the world from a Macondian perspective that's at odds sometimes with the culture in which I live. And that experience tells me that I should rebel against that constraint. That giving in to the negation of the feminine is giving in to atavistic notions of what is accepted and what is not from a very narrow perspective.

So I will continue my campaign in praise of the sissyfication of the paradigm. It may be a Sisyphean feat but one I can accomplish while trying to be as empathic as possible. Because I understand where those men come from. I have seen what machismo does to the gay psyche. But I'm not willing to let their perception of what being a man get on the way of unbridled fun.



  1. Having had limited experience on the apps, and having eons pass since I was last on them, I agree that the masc 4 masc psyche is something that is damaging to the community, along with all the "nos." It plays into the damage that the queer community is already experiencing internally...that we're different, that no one wants us, that we're "less than."

    Does it stem from the culture that in order to be accepted you have to be buff and jacked and an Adonis? Does it mean that you can't express a sensitive side? Does it mean that sex has to be "all out" (i.e. pound that hole until you cum)?

    I think that mindset can cause long term damage. Yes I imagine there are some relationships that go 100 MPH all the time. Is that confused with passion? But is there intimacy? Is there caring? Is there compassion? I believe there's more to sex for the sake of sex. You need to build that connection to your partner for longevity. And a well rounded individual has many facets to him. There is the strong side (masc) and the sensitive side (feminine). The playful and the serious.

    And you know what? You may be the stud today, but somewhere down the road, you'll no longer be the flavor of the day. You'll have to rely on other facets of your personality to survive. And you may not have nurtured that growth and find yourself the odd man out.

    XOXO 👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨


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