...and then what?






It doesn’t only happen to gay porn stars, of course, but because I consume gay porn, these stories get to me. And I keep hearing more and more of the same. We all think that gay men who are incredibly gorgeous, men who have sex with other very attractive men and get paid for it, men desired by thousands and thousands and men who basically represent what many of us consider 'ideal' have no problems. We should always think that they are above all, human. And humans are flawed.

Still, the idea of these beautiful men succumbing to suicide is something both troubling and baffling. The first time I stopped and payed attention was when Arpad Miklos died. He was one of my favs. One of his videos is literally cannon on how I like sex. I first saw him in a Kirsten Bjorn video and was hooked. Well, it does take some qualities to get my attention in the crowded, ever changing world of gay porn. And Arpad did. There was some vulnerability behind the brick house exterior that called my attention. Of course, that was all coming from me, because we tend to project what we want into our porn stars. That's the way this works.

When I read the news of Arpad passing, I was incredulous. Not because people do not die by suicide, but because in my little world, a handsome, sexy, smart man could not commit suicide. Look at these photos. What could this man be lacking? Of course, I was wrong. We never know what goes on with other people. Of course the fact that I thought that Arpad was hot did not rule out that there could be problems in his personal life. But that's the way we tend to operate.



The question, as Davey poses, is what can we do to better support the people we actually know in real life and how we can access our feelings and other people's feelings to better connect. Gay men are very prone to not staying in contact with their own feelings and of course, the relationship we tend to have with society at large kind of mandates that we live in a constant state of vigilance towards the world at large and not ourselves. Gay men are also very prone to fragile mental states. What with that society at large telling us that we are not men enough, that we are not good enough, handsome enough, sexy enough, successful enough. It's a burden. And all we do is put our best face forward. Just like Arpad did. September is National Suicide Prevention Month and it is important to remember that some people do need help.





The same way we think that handsome, sexy, desired porn stars cannot be affected by depression or mental illness, we seldom stop to think that the men we actually know and interact with may need a helping hand at some moment. We tend to go through life just presenting our best face to the world and do not open and ask for help when we need it. It's a valid and necessary duty we have with ourselves and the people we interact with: we should be more aware of the people around us and their needs.

We also need to learn to open up a little bit more. Take our blogs, for example. We tell the internet so many things, we undress our minds for the public to see. Still, I wonder if we could let the same people know that we need them or that we need some help concerning our mental health. We tell people so many things online, so why not let them know that they can count on us if they need help? And that we will do the same?

So, there. I managed to post about a very attractive man and remember him in all his glory and talk about mental health. Only on blogger. But dear Constant Reader, I promise that if you need help, I'll be here for you and also that if I need help, I will let you know. Even if it's just for venting. Deal?

XOXO

P.S. Because I'm not an expert, if you or anybody you know needs help, feel free to contact LIFELINE, The Trevor Project, and the Crisis Textline.

Comments

  1. I think,these days, we are all so disconnected because of our smart phones, and our social media, and everything else OUT there that we sometimes forget to take a closer look at those around us.

    And, also because of all those things, we sometimes don't ask for help when we need it because everyone appears so busy ...on their phones, and their binge-watching and everything OUT there.

    We all need to pay closer attention.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We do, indeed! The connections are getting lost in a tangle of cables and gadgets. Really. We need to get our noses out of those tiny screens and look at those around us.
      XoXo

      Delete
  2. This is a shame when anyone commits suicide. But with porn stars, I cant help but think of drug use , and the depression of just being turned and burned, and then tossed out with the bath water. Look at Roman Heart now. Barely hanging on, but I think he is getting his act back together.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And we never know until it is too late. Yes, there’s drug use but also that people are not emotionally equipped to deal with so many things. And not Roman Heart! He comes across as such a sweetheart!

      XoXo

      Delete
  3. mental problems are tough to conquer. I had 4 years of therapy to deal with some past issues and it really helped me to "see the light", as it were. but it's not easy to ask for help without being seen as a "crazy person".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Same! I did therapy many years ago and would go back in a heartbeat if I feel I’m sliding. Fuck those who think I’m nuts. I I don’t love myself....
      XoXo

      Delete
  4. I loved Arpad Miklos. I was shocked by his death. It seems to me he was well educated too. I had a family member commit suicide. They dug themselves into a hole and could not find a way out and to proud to ask for help. Suicide, like gun victims have an effect on multiple generations .

    Like BDSM sessions, there should be after care for all models. Where we live, there are two well known porn stars (one still active), and numerous, countless Onlyfans people. Of the ones I know, they seem well adjusted. But who knows what lurks in the shadows.

    To me Austin Wolf says it best. It's a job. One that doesn't last forever and you must be prepared for the next career.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Arpad was sooo handsome! And had an incredible presence. But you’re right, who knows what lurks in the shadows? It IS a job, and like any job does not last forever.
      XoXo

      Delete
  5. As has been said, we’ve all got people in our lives that need help, and, truth be told, we can all use help at one time or another. But we don’t ask. Maybe we feel that my problems aren’t that bad, or the person we want to reach out to could be someone that feels their issues are always more important.

    But we need to find a way to find the strength (or humility) to seek help. It could be a sympathetic ear, or a simple touch, or a hug. And the important thing is to listen, REALLY listen to each other. All it takes is one person to understand. If you can, be that person.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, bae. The thing is that like AnneMarie says, many people stay silent cause they don’t wanna come across as crazy. As if people’s opinions are more valuable than our mental health.

      XoXo

      Delete
  6. I've always believed that at some point they begin to realize that most of the world sees them as a piece of meat. The escort business goes hand in hand with porn and I suspect that can be pretty demeaning. While some commit suicide, and some just OD, a lot of them get out of the business.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Once you've been in video online, it is there for eternity around the world. No escaping that. But escorting is more discreet by comparison. And if you are successful and well known, it will follow you to any and all employment opportunities outside of the sex market.

      Delete
    2. Sex work should not have that stigma,IMHO. Society at large has to get over itself. But it’s not a business for everybody.

      XoXo

      Delete
  7. Well I do like to watch porn but I'm not that much into it where I know actors by name. I think anyone doing porn probably has some type of mental health issue to begin with.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. People do porn cause they like sex. Or are exhibitionists. Or both. Sex work is just another job, but the stigma persists. If I had the body and the stamina, I’d try it.

      XoXo

      Delete

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