Anohni

I wish the light could shine now; for it is closer... it is near. But it will not present my present, it makes my past and future painfully clear.

I was on my way to work and this song came up on my playlist. It's one of my favorites. I love, love, love the voice. It's Anohni, BTW. She used to be the lead singer of Antony and the Johnsons but now has gone solo. And she's got a vision to go with that voice. Absolutely avant-garde and ahead of her time. So basically one of my favorite artists came up in my car speakers and suddenly the realization that my life has indeed completely changed kinda hit me. I think I've been postponing thinking about what comes next for me for a few months, but I guess that time is over. You see, I thought I had it all figured out: my job was close, my affective life was nice and my housing situation was convenient. And then everything changed: I lost my closet space and a my short commute and a loving connection. All in the span of a few weeks. And apparently, I just noticed. Nothing like denial, no?

I guess that's what has been on my mind for awhile and I've been pushing it away because that's what people do with things they do not want to deal with at the moment.  I keep busy by blogging and buying one more plant, and deciding what to buy at Ikea and by doing projects and visits to the Art Institute. The thing is, when you have a bad breakup or when a relationship suddenly ends because you've stopped caring about each other you may be able to deal with the fallout better because you're angry. You go through the usual stages of grief and  then you're done.

But there's been no anger because there's been nothing to be angry about and no bargaining to go along with the denial because the relationship's boundaries were clear from the beginning. All is left is a foggy sense of melancholy. As adults, we all know that acceptance really is the key to moving on with our lives and making sure we keep flourishing and improving. But it's kind of hard, after all this time to just move on, even thought it is the right (and probably only) move I can make.

I find it kind of funny that I'm writing all this here, on this blog, which is basically a public space (I call it my own private soapbox for a reason) and for everybody to see. But you've read worse, haven't you? I imagine that being under the shield of the ones and zeroes gives us all the license to bare our souls (and our bodies, sometimes) for the world to see without the usual social constraints polite society imposes on us. So there you have it. Oversharing, as always.

Thanks, bae, for caring. You really are awesome.

XOXO