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On Difficult Conversations



Dear Maddie was on fire a few posts back. Her THINGS CHANGE post was absolutely everything. And Bob had ARANT:IMDONE. Glorious. You see, we implement change starting at home. I commented that I don't have any more Repuglyclown friends (I may be acquainted with somebody who's a Repug, but trust me, I don't socialize with them) because I know that it's useless to try to even instill some sense into them. But then for some, there's family.

Now, I know that many people do have to deal with some MAGAts and Trumpanzees in different ways because they are, after all, family, natch. And I'm here to help. Because of course I am. You may not change their hearts, but you may lift a weight off your chest by talking about something that it's important to you. I found the following on IG (because of course I did) and I found it incredibly helpful. Difficult conversations are sometimes necessary.

View this post on Instagram
Blackout Tuesday wasn’t the work. This is the work. It’s the opposite of keeping quiet. ⁣ ⁣ Here’s a handy guide I made about navigating anti-racism talks with white family members. These are things I’ve found helpful with my own family. It can also work for friends, coworkers, and the like!⁣ ⁣ A bit more on point number 2: Black people should never have to coddle white people when talking about racism. However, if white people truly want to make a difference in the anti-racism movement, it is up to us to speak respectfully about our own complicity to one another.⁣ ⁣ Our goal should never be to seem "woke,” to shame another white person, or to get into a screaming fight just to show we're on the right side of history. Actions like this are more about us than about the problem we are trying to solve.⁣ ⁣ Our goal should be to dismantle these systems of oppression, and that means having conversations with patience, care, and diligence until our peers truly HEAR us.⁣ ⁣ When talking about race to other white folks, we need to check our emotions, acknowledge our fragility, and speak in a way that actually helps drive change.
A post shared by Jen Winston ⚡️ (@jenerous) on


As I have mentioned before, it's not enough not to be racist anymore. We have to be anti-racist. And how do we become anti-racist? Well, we go for racism before it gets to us. You see, it's easy to say we are not racist, but the impact of our actions is what counts, not our intent. Few people (well, except Twitler) really intent to BE racists, but the impact of our actions may perpetuate racism.

We should also stop tone-policing. Black people know what they're doing. They have been oppressed and lived with micro-agressions for GENERATIONS. They don't need anybody to explain to them what racism is. They live it every day. But when talking to white people, we need to maximize the message. Even if they are getting on our last fucking nerve.

We learn by teaching. So, when talking about racism we need to own our own fuckups and we need to talk about any kind of privilege we have. When we talk about us, the message centers on well, the message. We don't have to tell people that they're being racist. When we mention that we may have fallen victims of implicit bias of when we mention our privilege (cis, white, middle class, educated, all of those) we make people aware of THEIR fuckups and privileges.

Allow the unaware racist to ask questions. My favorite is the one Jen Winston mentions in her Instagram post: responding to the Black on Black Crime trope. I was stumped (for like three seconds) and then I flipped out my phone and voilà. I learned along with the person asking me the question that there is no such thing as BOBC. It was illuminating for both of us. It's like having that mini-book-club feeling. You feel you're learning but you don't push it too much. You have no idea how many times I've watched that Racial Wealth Gap video I posted on Monday with somebody. It's worth it, though.

So the next time you decide to sit by your family bigot (probably Thanksgiving or Xmas) and neither me, nor Maddie, Bob or a good drink are available, now you are ready. You have now an arsenal of post-dinner talking points to help them get aware of their biases and hopefully understand what is it that people talk about when they say #BLACKLIVESMATTER. It's not going to be easy, but I know that some of you may want to try it. You're all a bunch of softies. That's why I heart you.

XOXO


P.S. If you want more resources concerning Black Lives Matter, try this fantastic document:

This Google document contains links to community bail funds, memorial funds, political education resources, organizations to put on your radar as well as general advice/tips for people attending protests or using social media as an organizing tool.




Comments

  1. Agreed. 👍🏻

    About Maddie's yesterday's post and... bascially everything else, yeah. 👏🏻

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes!
      Oh, Maddie let them HAVE it. I loved it.
      XOXO

      Delete
  2. We all can do better. That statement about impact and intent rings very true. We can never stop learning and you’ve provided some great resources babe.

    XOXO 👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know! Because some people really don't intent to be a racist asshole. But what if they have been raised to be one?
      Oh, there's so much out there to help... I wish I could do more.

      XOXO

      Delete
  3. Anti-racist. YASSSSS.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's the way to be.
      I think more people are getting aware of that fact.

      XOXO

      Delete
  4. You once left a comment that mentioned "privilege" at my place that I've never gotten out of my mind. I still don't know why? When I asked, you never responded. It really hurt my feelings.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jimmy! I had no idea!
      That's what happens when you take down your posts! You should leave them up.

      XOXO

      Delete
  5. We must use every chance to raise awareness. NFL QB Derek Rees was on his soapbox about "taking a knee is disrespecting the flag, blah, blah, blah." But then. But then he invoked the military - about his father and grandfather serving, not HIM mind you. Well, I just had to go to his FB page and give him a piece of my mind. But, here's the key: You must remain calm and respectful.
    Yep. I have family members who are out and proud Repuklucans. As soon as you make a point they are all, "I don't want to talk bout it anymore." And, I'm like, "Then don't make ignorant comments." And, the kicker with these two: They have a black DIL who gave them 3 grandchildren...and they STILL don't make the connection. *****SIGH*****

    XOXO

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, the fake outrage. They just want the people they consider inferior to shut up and take it. I am glad you gave him your input in a calm, smart manner. Ha. That way they cannot accuse you of being a dick.
      Repukluclans! Yes! Yes! LOL
      And you would NOT believe how unaware of their racism some people are! Well, you would, based in that example.

      XOXO

      Delete
  6. Thanks for that resource reference!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, it's the least I can do.
      You should see how very up to date and full of resources Instagram really is. Many stupid, vapid people but also very aware people.

      XOXO

      Delete
  7. And I'm still on fire. Today I left a few more gem of a few comments on trumps own post, on several post. I'm sure to get kick off yet....but I CAN NOT STAND THAT MAN. And I'm sure my Bye Felicia story won't help!!!!! Here is yet another post that is useful and needled.

    I saw this tic toc on Instagram from dnacers, Allison Holker and Boss, a mixed couple sitting on a chair with their mixed child. A lady says check your white privilege . Both had all ten fingers up and were asked to put down a finger if they answer yes to the questions. put a finger down if- you have been called a racial slur, you were told you couldn't afford to buy something expensive, you were followed around a store for no reason, someone went out of there way to get around you on the street, if you had fear in your heart when stopped by police, if you had someone step off a elevator to avoid you, bullied solely because of your race, if you had someone clinch their purse because of your color, denied service because of the color of your skin, if you have been stopped or detained by police for no reason, if you have never been given a pass on I citation you deserved, if you have had to teach your child how to not killed by the police. Any fingers left? That's white privilege.

    Boss runs out of fingers, while his partner, Holker has once down and only relates to the last question.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, you gave me LIFE. It was so good. Let them have it, but as Big and that handy Instagram post advice, very matter-or-fact. They'll lose their shit.
      And that exercise is done in many workshops and classes where race inequality is discussed. So effective! There are some variants but that one seems to be quite effective! It really shows privilege in a very clear way. I would love to do it in a room full of white people with only one black person or person of color in the mix. Now, that's an ice breaker.

      White Privilege is a hell of a drug.

      XOXO

      Delete
  8. White Republicans will never understand. They believe themselves to be the Grand Old Party and therefore superior. Evolution has decided to eliminate them from the future.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nope, white Repukluclans will never understand. As I told Maddie, White Privilege is a hell of a drug. The good ol' boys (and gals) would love to go back to 1951. Demographics are a total surprise for them.

      XOXO

      Delete
  9. wait til all y'all see my saturday post!

    ReplyDelete

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