Alone
The difference between miserably lonely and gloriously alone is big. And we all need to keep that in mind. There seems to be an epidemic of loneliness going around, for what I read around these parts, and that's just unacceptable. And I think that it may not be totally linked to the Pandemic. It may be some truth there when people say that being lonely is more a state of mind than an actual situation. This video predates the Pandemic by almost a year and yet it tells us that feeling depressed and anxious about the future is nothing new and it may not be tied directly to the self-isolation imposed by COVID-19. There's no shame in lack of serotonin, but there may more to it than just chemistry.
Apparently most of the facts that drive us to feel anxious and depressed go beyond the biological, or a predisposition to feel depressed or anxious. We are right now in America, as lonely as we have been in decades. We don't seem to have as many friends or people close to us as people have had previously. We are at the core social animals. We have evolved to be together with others. So sometimes is not just a biological state, we are driven to socialize. When we form connections with people with whom we feel a commonality, we feel better. And this may be related to the possibility that we live in a hyper-connected society. With all the possibilities to be 'in touch' nowadays (I've always blamed fucking Facebook) we are not really 'connected'. It's like beating it off to a screen instead of having sex with someone. We are meant to be seen. Social media is just a mirage, a parody of what we've lost.
Also, we seem to have as much as people have ever had. Bigger houses, more money, more opportunities. But life is not about status or money. We could become depressed while 'having it all'. We need to know that we belong and that our lives have a purpose (not all of us were born to be Republicans, remember that even Stephen Miller got married!). It's a cliché, but we are driven to people, not things. We need less 'things'. Consumerism is not the answer, no matter how much we are lead to think that junk values are the answer to pain and distress and that having a hundred thousand subscribers on Instagram is the solution to life's problems.
So do I have an answer to this loneliness epidemic? Well, I do not. Some people may be predisposed to being depressed. Some people may need more than a push to get out of a rut. Inspiration, motivation and action, the essence to doing something principled, do not come in that order. We may have to start with little things, things that we usually do by rote or routine to get us started. This may not help with chronic depression or it may not be the solution to a radical lack of serotonin, but it's a start. These tips are useful to spark an change. In these times of imposed self-isolation (in some places we don't even have those bubbles of social interaction they have in Canada!) every little thing can help.
I have been very lucky in that I've found people I can talk to both online (like you, dear Constant Reader) and in real life. I had built-in company going into isolation. Not everybody is that lucky. Even though I do like my 'me' time and I don't mind being on my own for long periods of time, I do like to come up for air once in awhile and talk to other people. But I've also found new things to do around the house, I've taken to taking care of plants and I have even planted a tiny experimental garden. I blog, I read, I go in long walks and short runs, I've watched long mini-series that I never had time to watch before, I try once in awhile to pick up my phone to say hi to the people I care about. I do not go out too much, mind you. I don't want to run into idiots not wearing masks. I may miss having a man more regularly in my life (I do get the tingle to mingle, duh!) but I've found that many things (remote work, hobbies, being in touch with some friends) have gained a new meaning for me.
And what about you, Constant Reader? What are you doing in these times of pandemic to keep yourself sane?
XOXO
BTW, this next video is a video that YouTube, in all its stalking glory suggested after the video I posted at the beginning. And it turned out to be quite interesting. YouTube now knows that I like handsome men talking to me. Thanks for the stalking, YouTube!
Loneliness isn’t just a result of being alone. One can be lonely in a group, when you feel that you don’t fit in.
ReplyDeleteI’ve been in that situation. I’m not the social butterfly, I’m the wall flower. It’s not that I don’t like social situations, it’s that I’m not a sparkling conversationalist. Even at family gatherings there’s that uneasiness. But I do enjoy being there. I guess we need to be around others. Like you said, social animals.
But I do understand how difficult it is for those with depression and anxiety. These days of isolation bring on the darkness quicker. And we need to support them in any way we can.
XOXO 👨❤️💋👨
Oh, definitely.
DeleteBut I think you just need time to warm up to people. You can definitely carry out a conversation!
This pandemic has wrecked havoc in so many lives. The uncertainty of it all topped off by isolation has been terrible in many people.
XOXO
I have no problem being alone, but, yeah, there's vast difference between that and being lonley.
ReplyDeleteBeing alone is a choice.
Being lonely is a condition.
Same. I can go days without seeing anyone.
DeleteBut the loneliness brought by isolation (self or otherwise imposed) can be crushing for some.
XOXO
I knit, I listen to classical music, I read real books, I pet the cats. I "talk" to my friends via their blogs. I wake up grateful to live another day. for me, it's a mindset - do I wanna be an active thinking person, or do I wanna be a miserable complaining SOB that everyone hates? and I can tell you from experience that NO ONE likes an SOB!
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely. It is a mindset.
DeleteAnd you are right, it does depend on us in great part to get out of the rut and actively do something to shake us up a little.
Always grateful to have another day.
XOXO
I try to give you a reason for consolation, with a premise:
ReplyDeleteYou people of the USA, you are in the same situation that Italy was up to two months ago. Slowly you will come out.
I am now 48 years old and if I had been born in 1899, at my age, I would have been sent to fight in the First World War. If I had come back alive, I would have had to go through a much more violent pandemic (the so-called "Spanish" of 1918-20). If I had managed to overcome the Spanish too, I would have experienced a Second World War (in Italy from 1940 to 1945). Instead I have not experienced any of this.
Let's all of us think about it.
X, you have just become very sexy in my eyes!
DeleteYes, I remember Italy being in a terribly tight spot. And you did come out of it. Thankfully, you had capable people in the government, not a mafia boss with no brains.
DeleteAll in all, put in perspective, as you say. We have not had it as terrible as people did at the beginning of the XX century.
In America, the terrible death toll has to do with the stupidity, stubbornness and inadequacy of the government. Cheetolini has put his interests before the interests of the country. That's a huge difference.
XOXO
Unfortunately the crisis of the political class affects almost the whole world, even Italy. It's a tragedy. And what's more, this type of pandemic is absolutely new. The most violent form had occurred precisely with the pandemic called "Spanish", in 1918-20.
DeleteYou Americans are not happy with your politicians. Neither are we Italians. But I don't think Brazilians are much happier than you are.
Oh, I know.
DeleteBut notice that the politicians in our countries (and Brazil) share a totalitarian, inflexible, tin-foil dictatorship style. They are all small men that abuse power and have created a system that's unsustainable because it's based on corruption and greed.
We're fucked.
XOXO
On Italy, let me say that we are now fortunate to have simply mediocre and not dishonest and greedy and selfish politicians. But if there will be a second wave of pandemic next autumn / winter, and another lockdown will be needed, this time Italy will not be saved. People will die of hunger or COVID-19.
DeleteOn the United States of America, I remind you that on November 3rd, you will be able to change federal administration. Remember to vote!
Oh, that's true. It's small consolation but the bar is really low in America with Cheetolini.
DeleteAnd I'm afraid the wave of COVID-19 in winter will be worse, too.
People here need to vote en masse. Really.
XOXO
My circle of friends has dwindled over the years. I am down to a tight circle - most of whom are family or I consider family. Now, I actually do more (or was) (going to concerts, museums, restaurants, etc.) than when I had tons of friends. And I enjoy it more. (Did. Was.) I am a loner. Always have been, so this pandemic played right to my strengths. Because of it, I now have time to write again, something I have missed a lot. I love that my life has boiled down to select activities and a select group of people. It gives me focus, automatically. I don't deal with the indecision I used to. A simple life? Well worth living!
ReplyDeleteSame!
DeleteI do not have as many friends as I used to have, but the friends I have are very close and some have been with me for years!! I miss going to museums too!
I am not really a loner but I can be alone, sometimes I need it. I guess that's my way to focus. And a simple life sounds fantastic.
XOXO
I'm extremely social, so at first I really minded being home...now not so much as i have such distain for humans. I mostly miss the sex one on one...but thank God for online platforms!!!!! I have visited my mother and had a little beach visit with Pearl, and i have my neighbor over for dinner or beers. That's the most contact with people this far. I do keep a routine. Get up, blog and read them...house chores, small work out, blogs again, run around the lake to get me out of house, then dinner and movie or BBC. I otfen sit outside in the afternoons. The market is once a week.... grocery store every other. The ASPCA has been about once twice a week. It all helps and keeping a routine is a good thing. The things i miss the most is oral sex!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteOh, I can imagine what not being able to socialize did to you.
DeleteSame. More sex would be fantastic, but alas... it'll have to wait.
I have also little by little been in contact with more people. Sometimes because I have to, but hey.
And a routine in the times of pandemic is ESSENTIAL. Gosh, an unstructured day messes you up. I have my routine down pat now. And I think that you volunteering with the ASPCA is fantastic!
Yum oral sex!
XOXO
I read. I'm a voracious reader; everything from the blog rounds I make every morning to fiction and non-fiction. I write. My own blog, and fiction and non-fiction. I've had two select friends who visit once in a awhile; one floats naked in the pool and chills with us, the other comes for dinner and discussions on a variety of subjects. My online connections with people like YOU (smooches!), Maddie, and a couple of my Faithful Readers that I email with, have kept me smiling and feeling connected.
ReplyDeleteI'm very content being alone; I have no problem with it. I can go out and dine alone, I have been known to go to a film alone. But I also like to be among people. I sometimes miss the social life I had while I worked on the stage. But I very rarely feel "lonely." Depression? Yeah. But I think deep down I'm a happy, positive person and the depression typically lifts in a couple of days. XOXO
Ohhh same!
DeleteI've gotten back to reading actual books. Especially at night. And I agree that the blog has actually been a great tool to be in touch with people (smooches back!). Who knew that leaving Tumblr would be so convenient?
I can also be alone and my dark periods do not last too long, thankfully. I miss going out to museums and plays and sometimes eating out, but I can wait. It's funny how much of my free time was used doing that.
XOXO
I have always gone to the beat of my own drum. I've never experienced "lonely". Maybe it has to do with my happy nature. I never self analyze or try to analyze any one else. I would never accept or even ask personal advice from someone I didn't know in person, ie ...Blogger, Facebook...
ReplyDelete'The Smart One' and I have been together decades and we each live our own life as we each have different interests (passions) and we would never ask the other not to do what makes them happy. So in a way I am alone.
As we get older, friends are harder to make. People get set in their ways and become less flexible. That said, I have three friends who love me unconditionally. None of which is family as I have buried them all. I have only reached out to and contacted one person on blogger . However, If I were to go to Philadelphia, I would get in touch with Anne Marie and her husband. They seem great.
I loved what Huntley said, as well as Anne Marie.
BTW Six, Great post.
awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, thank you honey! we ARE great! the both of us are exactly in person as who we are on our blogs. PS - spouse's blog is arteejee.blogspot.com (if you are not reading this blog, WHY THE HELL NOT!) arteejee is spouse's initials (RTG).
DeleteYou're very lucky. That sunny disposition and a good life outlook certainly come handy in times like this. And not trying to analyze people is a good strategy. One never knows what goes on in other people's heads!
DeleteWhat you say about being together with someone and at the same time keeping your own life intact I think is essential for a good relationship. We cannot burden our significant other with the job of making our lives worth living. It's not fair. We share a life, we don't impose it on others.
And good friends are essential. Especially for us, because we have chosen them as our extended family. Ditto with the people that we like. I would not mind hanging out with any of the people who comment on this blog. OMG can you imagine the riot?
XOXO
I don't think about lonely because it's not something that concerns me. I'm by myself when I'm at home. But I also get together with friends, go to movies (when we could) and concerts. I think a lot of times loneliness is the result of being told since childhood that we need to be in a monogamous relationship, that if you weren't married there was something wrong with you. Surprise, they lied.
ReplyDeleteThat's a great viewpoint, and many people who live on their own share it. Funny how living alone can become a two-edged sword for some.
DeleteAnd I think you have nailed it: it's that conditioning we have gone through that teaches us that we are only complete if we have someone by our side. Monogamous relationships work for some people, but for others is just not the thing.
XOXO