Hideous

Two thirds into the writing of my album, having a good idea of what it was about. I realised I’d been circling around one of the things that has probably caused me the most fear and shame. My HIV status. I’ve lived with my status since I was 17 and it’s played with how I’ve felt towards myself and how I’ve assumed others have felt towards me, from that age and into my adult life.

 

So quite impulsively I wrote about it in the song Hideous and thought I could release it into the world and be done with it. Having played the song to my mum, being the protective and wise mum that she is. She gave me some of the best advice I’ve ever received. She suggested that I spent some time having conversations with people in my life first. Either people I hadn’t told yet or people I had told but hadn’t wanted to talk much further on it. I’ve spent the past 2 years since writing Hideous having those conversations, which was difficult and uncomfortable to start with but has allowed me to feel a lot freer and has only strengthened the relationship with myself and with the people in my life.

@oliversim

Funny how much people don't talk about AIDS or being HIV positive. But it's because the stigma continues to this day. It's still so prevalent that @oliversim (of the XX) felt compelled to disclose it in this music video. I think it's because not a lot of people are aware that having an undetectable load means that a person is not able to transmit the virus. Oh, yes. People still see HIV positive people the way they saw them in 1982.

Oh, you don't believe me? There's science behind the idea of U=U:

How HIV Treatment Makes U=U

With any virus, the likelihood of transmitting it depends on the amount of virus in your body. HIV drugs prevent the HIV virus from reproducing (making copies of itself). When a combination of HIV drugs (your drug regimen) is working, the viral load usually goes down quickly after starting the drugs.

If HIV is not able to reproduce, it will not infect new cells in your body and your viral load remains low. With a low viral load, you are more likely to have a healthy immune system. The lower your viral load, the less likely you are to transmit HIV to others.

HIV drugs cannot cure HIV. Even when your viral load is undetectable, there are still 'resting' or latent HIV cells in areas of your body such as your gastrointestinal tract (GI tract, or gut), brain, or bone marrow; these are called 'reservoirs.' But having an undetectable viral load means there is barely a trace of virus to be found in body fluids that transmit HIV: your blood, vaginal fluids, or semen. 

@thewellproject

I know that for many, many years the mantra has been to promote the use of condoms to stop the spread of HIV and learning that a low viral load is also an undetectable viral load is also a barrier to HIV transmission is kind of difficult to accept and maybe think that by saying that U=U people will stop being careful. But we have to be aware of how research works and how people get to be undetectable. The impulse to stigmatize people who are HIV positive needs to be squashed, especially because it's not always a well known cis gay man. Many times HIV positive are poor, and people of color, without the means and resources to get treated and more often than not victims of discrimination and scorn.

So, the idea that @oliversim decided to come out as HIV positive with this video and song offers me a chance to celebrate World Aids Day. We still have to talk about being positive. We still need to fight the stigma so we can live in a world free of HIV transmissions. Remember, HIV does not define the person.

XOXO

P.S. You may recognize the guest star singing in the song, too...