ASK a Poly

Now, this is something I've been very curious about for awhile now. After I read Sex at Dawn (which I recommend), and seeing the myriad articles that have popped this year alone about 'radical monogamy' I decided to post this video.  After all, isn't it better to hear people who know what they're talking about discuss something that we know nothing about?

You know I love @Mr.Kristofer and @pupamp and that they've been on this blog before. What I didn't know is that they're in a polyamorous relationship and that, of course made me curious, because I think it takes a certain level of maturity to do that (you're not only having a relationship and fixing things with one person, but with two or more!) so yes.

First, let's talk about polyamory:

Polyamory is a non-monogamous approach to love and dating in which people are consensually involved with more than one person at a time. At its core, being in a polyamorous relationship means investing in a dating structure that frames love as abundant. The beautiful thing about polyamory is it can take a near-infinite number of forms. There are throuples, comprised of three people who date each other together; solo polyamorists, who may have many lovers without having a primary partner; a V, where one person dates two people who do not date each other; and an infinite number of other ways to practice polyamory.

@them

Full disclaimer: I have been part of a triad. More specifically, a V. That is, a relationship where one person is involved with other two people. The two uninvolved members could be part of a 'don't ask, don't tell' arrangement or an open relationship. I have never been part of a relationship where all the member are involved at the same time and have sex and/or share space with each other, though.

Polyamory is different to open relationships and to non-monogamy. Non-monogamy is kind of an umbrella term under which several permutations of relationships rest. Open relationships can refer to many arrangements in witch the members of a relationship have sex or other relationships with somebody different to their main partner. I know. It seems like a lot. But it's not. Many people have been in this kind of relationship since, like, forever. Especially queer people who usually love 'outside the norm'. 

And here's what I learned from Amp's and Mr. Kristofer's convo:

• We have been conditioned that one person will fulfill all your needs. When you are in a poly relationship, you don't put the onus of catering to all your emotional needs on one person.
• You can be in a 'monogamish' relationship (thanks, Dan Savage) and appear monogamous to the world while your relationship is open to the members of the couple. 
• Just because you love someone in a certain way, it does not take from your love towards another person.
• Polyamory does not work for everybody. People are wired differently and have different needs and thresholds in relationships.
• Cheating is not having sex with someone else, lying is what is considered cheating in a poly relationship.
• Jealousy in a Poly relationship usually has to do with the time you spend with the people in your relationship. You need to communicate well and articulate your needs. And jealousy is different to envy.
• As in monogamous relationships, poly relationships deal with attachment and communication. They need work.
• Stop trying to make Poly happen. It either comes naturally or not. 
• Some people have been in a poly relationship for eight years, some others for twenty five. Yep, they're like monogamous relationships.
• The second you add a person in, you'll get another personality, quirks, moods, styles of communication and baggage.
• 20% of Americans report that they have been in a non-monogamous relationship.

Who knew??

XOXO

XOXO