Dad Can Dance
Isn't that funny, finding out things about your father that you never knew -or imagined- and wondering, 'why didn't I know that?' The thing is, I have never been too interested in knowing more things about my dad. Not like he was horrible to me, but I have never been terribly curious about his life. Don't get me wrong, he was there when we needed him when we were growing up and he loved my sister to death, but I never felt a super strong connection to him. Isn't that interesting, Dr. Freud?
My dad passed away years ago. That happened after I had moved out of the house and after I had kind of lost contact with him. He and my mom separated and my sister and I stayed with her, so you can imagine the dynamics. It's funny I was really that detached, because when I was little, I idolized him. I followed him around the house, he carried me piggyback and I wore his shirts and I kept many of his suits and ties. They were huge on me (my dad, his dad and my uncle were all about six feet tall) but I loved to wear them. He was a hard working man but looking back, I think he was slightly unavailable emotionally. Maybe it was the way he was brought up, who knows? He was a provider. He did what was best for his family (while he was with us) or at least what he thought was best.
I sometimes feel bad that I did not reach out after he and my mom separated, but I just did not see the need. We had made sure we had our lives sorted out (school, family, friends) and i'm sure he kept going on with his life. I think I have a half-brother somewhere, too. My sister has the tea on that. When I got the news that he had passed I was living away, in another city and never made it to his funeral. To this day, I have no idea where he's interred.
Funny, what watching a video about a father and a son and discovering things about each other can bring up in me.
XOXO
My Dad was a really nice guy. I liked him. He did, however, let my mom dictate how things ran in the household, and if he disagreed she'd yell Richard!. Several times after he'd died she told me that he was not henpecked. That was not the case at all.
ReplyDeleteHahaha
DeleteHenpecked! Love it. And I guess your dad just chose his battles. After all, when you enter a relationship with very clear gender divisions, that's the way things work...
XOXO
Do any of us REALLY know our parents and their full lives?
ReplyDeleteNope.
DeleteAnd I don't think I wanna know? I've learned some things about my parents that I don't know if I wanted to know. Maybe because I liked the idea I had about them as a child??
XOXO
Good grief. You have no idea how much more now we have in common. Well my parents never divorced, your relationship sounds just like mine did with my father to a T. He also died years ago 2001 to be exact. Though we were probably as close as we ever could be before he passed. I'm definitely my mother's child.
ReplyDeleteWhoa, Mads!
DeleteMy dad and I never really got closed after I grew up, though. Maybe because we didn't even live in the same part of the country? And yes, definitely my mother's child, too!
XOXO
Big says,
ReplyDeleteI left at age 18, never moved back, but kept in touch. My dad and I never got along that well. My effeminate side embarrassed him, my creative side embarrassed him. He refused to pay for my college unless he approved the major. I refused those options, so I left. After 9+ years in the military, Uncle Sam paid for my college. But i still kept in touch. For my mother's sake. I attended his funeral, for my mother's sake. That was the most I could give him after the treatment he gave me my entire life; he was abusive to me mentally and physically.
The dancing sure made me watch the entire thing, though. Beautiful and melancholy.
XOXO
XOXO
OMG Big! I left at seventeen!
DeleteNever moved back but did summers with mom. I think it was the same with my dad: my feminine side embarrassed him. He was quintessentially macho. Same with college! He wanted me to go to a private university and I abhorred the idea!!!
Never kept in touch, though. He was just blah.
And the dancing was fantastic!
XOXO
HuntleyBiGuy:
ReplyDeleteWhat an interesting story. I don’t think we ever know all we should about our parents; I’m not sure if it’s from embarrassment, or pride, or some other reason. My father was the provider, with six boys to feed, he did his best, having only a 6th grade education. He grew up in a large farm family so there was always something that needed to be done. When necessary, he would take a second job to get us through. Mom didn’t work when we were growing up, but took a job at our school when half of the boys had moved out. The interesting thing is that they met at work, and my mom was his supervisor. That never really changed. He wasn’t henpecked, but he left the household to mom, who was slightly more educated, and could manage finances.
XOXO 👨🏼❤️💋👨🏽
I think we like to keep the idea we have of them as children.
DeleteI think we put them in a place in our minds and it's hard to see them differently. Your dad was a typical dad, like mine: provider and protector. It's the way they were wired, I guess.
And he probably knew her and played the relationship to their strengths... Smart.
XOXO
Fathers and sons; what a convoluted relationship it can be. My father and I weren't too close growing up but became closer as I adulted; I made my choices in life and he, while maybe wasn't thinking the decisions were right, had my back always. Now, as he ages, he is quite stubborn, set in his ways, and rigid. He is a good dad, though. He was very accepting and open to my coming out and really wanted to be part of my wedding to Carlos, but there is a sense of distance between us.
ReplyDeleteI've come to accept that and expect no more; it's life, after all.
xoxo
Ohhh boy.
DeleteYes, it can. Especially when the son is gay. There's this tension in the father's mind, I think, that sometimes gets in the way. I think your attitude is the best, though. It's life, after all.
XOXO
It's good now, though he still has trouble with introducing Carlos as my husband and instead uses partner.
DeleteFathers are frequently mysterious creatures. They hold their hand so close to their chest. It may be a generational thing... mine remained quite distant - concerned, but detached. He saw his job as that of a provider... food, shelter. The emotional stuff was foreign to me. He celebrated my older brother because he was the football player - dumb as a rock, but the expected. I was anything but. I seemed to manage only the unexpected. As 'other', I perplexed my dad. So he avoided dealing with what he could not comprehend, except when necessary. Because of this, I was always ver critical, very angry. I wish I had been kinder. He was a lovely man with a Popeye laugh. I'm glad I was there to help him transition - Alzheimer's is a brutal disease. And I'll never know if he knew how much I cared. In the end, I simply wanted him to be happy, to feel loved and cared for and to not fear or want. It's a report card I'll never receive. I did what I could. Fathers... it's a primary relationship and I'm sorry you didn't get to experience it. My heart to you.
ReplyDeleteMy good stepdad had Alzheimers and now my mum does. I feel your feels. My real dad was absent, then he left and was even more absent. We built a relationship as adults who lived on different sides of the country. He recently died and I find myself very sad but also angry that he couldn't keep his shit together enough to be around for us even if he wasn't married to my mum any more. Dads are complicated. Tina in west oz
DeleteFathers ARE mysterious.
DeleteI think the moment they have children they become their own fortresses. They do find themselves at a crossroads with kids who do not conform. They do better with the expected.
Alzheimers is brutal. Brutal and unforgiving. I feel you both.
XOXO